Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

If you are like me, then you surely must feel,

There are some who are making the thirst very real

There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,

Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree

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I can think of at least one adorable Braj

From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage

 

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It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch

‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch

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And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty

Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate

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Then there are babes of a different hue,

Especially those that… abs…

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And a few that even your grandma will scope

#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope

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If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,

Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor

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Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught

‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot

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Whitney Weldon

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Web Bytes: Pee-Wee’s Big Holiday Trailer

If you caught our last podcast, you may remember that Pee-Wee is much beloved in our family.  Speaking for my own nuclear family, we just flat out love Pee-Wee.  My brother and I would wake up early to eat cereal and watch reruns of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, it is mandatory every year that we watch  the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas special (because it is amazing), and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure  is a family classic that is oft-quoted (“Paging Mr. Herman.”).

This new trailer doesn’t completely have me sold, but if Netflix is giving Reubens and Co. the creative liberties to rekindle the comedic sensibilities of the Pee-Wee of yore, sign me up.

Ellen

The Fangirly Show: Episode # 8 Fangirling Over Upcoming 2016 Releases (With Special Guest: Our Cousin Sam!)

Whitney and Ellen are joined by their cousin Sam (for the male perspective) to go over some of the big releases that we have to look forward to in 2016.  Is this the year we finally get sick of superhero movies?  (Mmm, probably not).  Does Whitney’s roommate have really bad taste in music that she blasts through their apartment?  (Spoiler: Yes).  Also, the gang throws out some crazy hypothetical situations to try and stump each other.  Is there any situation in which Ellen would not go on a date with a Marvel Chris?  Listen to find out.

*Circumstances led to Ellen having to use a very bad mic.  Apologies in advance.

You can listen and subscribe HERE on iTunes or you can go HERE to listen and let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

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The Reviews Are In: Deadpool

featured imageMom and Dad, if you’re reading this (safe bet), you should know that I went to see this movie under the falsest of pretenses. See, I thought Deadpool was about a ghost who throws a pool party for his friends. Imagine my surprise! I honestly wasn’t expecting the gratuitous violence and the foul language and the annoyingly brief glimpse of Ryan Reynolds’ junk. Suffice it to say, not my cup of tea. Anyway, I’m now going to launch into a very lengthy dissertation on how Billie Piper is, in many ways, a more well-rounded performer than her American counterpart, Britney Spears. So, you’ll probably want to leave off right here. Bye… love you… go watch Castle for a while…

Now that it’s just us non-AARP subscribers, allow me to say that Deadpool is, as expected, pretty frakking awesome–

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Sorry. It was a refreshing change of pace after the onslaught of superhero movies where the fate of the known universe rests in the hands of a few dudes with matching chiseled jawlines. Deadpool is about humble mercinary Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) trying to get his life (and face) back after he finds himself on the wrong end of a science deadpool-gallery-05experiment gone sideways. He’s gotta get his girl (Morena Baccarin) and put the screws to some bad guys, not necessarily in that order.

Arguably, it’s a little light on story. The movie continually segues between Wade’s life before and after the experiment that made him Deadpool, and not a whole lot happens in between. It’s not unlike any other action movie where a handsome white male kicks ass and takes names–

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–sorry– for the sake of love. But it is, you know, a Deadpool film, so there’s plenty of violence and sex jokes and fourth wall breaking to keep you entertained. Luckily for me, I was sitting directly behind a person using a screen reader for the hearing impaired. Trust me when I say that you haven’t lived till you’ve seen the phrase “muppet farts” scroll across a tiny digital screen in a dark movie theater.

I understand that this movie is most definitely not for everyone. Specifically, it’s not for your kids. This is not an Avengers movie, as evidenced by the three minute long, full-frontal sex montage in the first act. Again I stress, don’t bring your children (I’m looking at you, lady sitting next to me with three moppets under the age of ten).

But if you are a mature, consenting adult who doesn’t mind having this image…

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bouncing around in your brain-box for the rest of you life, this might be the movie for you.

Whitney Weldon

An Interview with Oscar Isaac

Fangirly has been blessed with many fascinating, hard-hitting interviews during our run as the internet’s most obsolete entertainment blog. Today, we’re continuing that streak as we chat with one of this years biggest break-out stars, Oscar Isaac!

Oscar, we are so, so excited to sit down with you today.

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Um… my name is… um… I know this… Melissa? Sorry, it’ll come back to me.

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So, anyway, you’ve had a pretty big year. There’s been so much good buzz about all your performances–

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Well, yeah, arguably I haven’t spoken to Jean… Sorry, who’s Jean?

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Oh, I’m sorry man…

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Do you… do you wanna have a little dance party? Wake you up, maybe?

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Wow, I really thought that would take more persuasion…

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 So now that we’ve successfully brought the funk, you wanna talk about some of your upcoming projects? 

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… Um, so you’re playing Apocalypse in the new X-Men movie. What drew you to playing a bad guy?

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Whoa, hey man! Leave Carla Gugino out of this! You’re Hulking out, dude!

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Yep, get it all out…

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You good?

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Cool. So I was hoping we could just talk about Ex Machina and–

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Um… why?

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Yeah, totally, but can we also just talk about Ex Machina and the gender politics–

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Great, yeah, let’s do it!

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Oh, are you being philosophical or really asking? 

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Wait, seriously?

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You know, it’s the social and biological differentiation between male and female organisms…

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Well, we are unfortunately all out of time! Do you have anything you wanna say before we go? Maybe a shout-out to your Star Wars co-star John Boyega?

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Sorry, did you say, “Llewyn is the cat”?

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Oh, got it. Thanks so much for being with us today! In case it wasn’t clear, we love you here at Fangirly.

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Maebe-Funke-Marry-Me

Whitney Weldon

The Reviews Are In: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Rumors of an impending film adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s Pride and Prejudice

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and Zombies started circulating the day the book hit shelves. No surprise. Take one of the most successful novels of all time, dress it up with karate and a trendy horror shtick, and suddenly you’ve got a movie that will, if all goes well, appeal to two rarely intersecting demographics. Moms and fourteen-year-old boys the world over will set aside their petty differences in the hopes of seeing Jane Austen’s vivid work come to life on screen and a lot of gore, respectively. And if that’s all you’re looking for too, then you will enjoy this movie.

91Because there are things to enjoy here. The cast is invariably British and beautiful, there are lots of fun fight sequences, the humor is sufficiently tongue in cheek, and the core love story remains (for the most part) intact. Also, I feel safe in saying that Matt Smith’s turn as perpetual-butt-of-the-joke Mr. Collins will never, ever be topped in any past or future P&P adaptations. (His dancing in the Netherfield Ball scene will destroy you. You’ve been warned).

But if you’re expecting the film to have the same satirical self-awareness as the novel, you might be disappointed. One of the things that made PPZ so funny was how the addition of zombies into Regency society didn’t really change things much. The heroines bpouuynijhc1yckjszm7are given moves a Cobra Kai would envy and the finest dojo in all of Hertfordshire, and it still
doesn’t significantly improve their situation in life or offer any freedoms they might not have had otherwise. That was the joke. Just because society is crumbling in the wake of a zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean you aren’t still beholden to it. And some of the satire
of the book is lost in translation; there are even moments when the movie takes itself just a little too seriously, not totally unlike Seth Grahame-Smith’s last adaptation Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Also, and this is just me being picky, there were some strange nods to the 1995 BBC production of P&P. Including but not limited to, Mr Darcy (Sam Riley) taking an impromptu swim in a handy pond. Sounding familiar?

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I can’t tell if the movie is playing with us, or whether there are people in Hollywood who aren’t aware that scene isn’t in the book.

What I’m saying is that the people who made this film took the title very literally. It’s Pride and Prejudice… and zombies. Elizabeth and Jane and Darcy and Bingley all exchange furtive glances while they stave off the End of Days. Bodices are ripped. Bosoms are heaved. Brains are eaten. And, full disclosure, that’s still a movie I’ll absolutely pay to see.

Whitney Weldon