The Reviews Are In: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

This is the last Fangirly review I will ever write. And it’s all Ellen’s fault.

See, Ellen has a job where a working knowledge of pop culture is requisite. Needless to say, Ellen is very good at her job. She knew long before I did that that reviews for James guardians-galaxy-2-poster-charactersGunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the film for which we bought our tickets weeks in advance, was getting slightly less glowing reviews than it’s predecessor. She told me, “Go into this movie thinking that’s it’s only OK, and it will probably exceed your expectations.”

So I did. I trust Ellen to a fault, not just because she’s my hero (please don’t tell her I said that), but because she has a nose for this sort of thing. Ellen’s the pop culture guru and I’m the one that can, under the right conditions, burp the first four letters of the jsc3020-cmp-v3781007-jsc3050-cmp-v2631009-comp-r-1486345142271_1280walphabet. You could say we both bring things to the table.

But as I sat through Vol. 2, I kept forgetting that it wasn’t a perfect specimen of modern film-making. I kept dancing in my seat to the soundtrack. I kept getting wrapped up in the story. I kept enjoying watching characters develop. I kept laughing so hard that I cried, and in some instances, crying so hard that I laughed. In short, I kept forgetting why I wasn’t supposed to love this movie unreservedly.

6ab3ae6be78d4be8fb6407ee754133c867474d74If I’m being honest, it wasn’t Ellen’s fault. She was just trying to shield us both from potential disappointment. But I can’t help but wonder what my experience of this movie might have been if I hadn’t spent the whole 136 minute run-time wondering which of it’s glaring flaws I was missing. I learned that I’d rather be surprised by life’s occasional disappointments rather than spend my time anticipating them. The pop culture landscape is such that people can earn a living from tearing down something someone else put blood and sweat into making.

So I’m done reading movie reviews. I encourage you to do the same. Whether you use guardians-of-the-galaxy-2-2016-billboard-1548them to decide which movies to see, or you use them to validate opinions you already had, I think that the brain trusts over at Entertainment Weekly have officially outlived their usefulness.

That being said, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to fans of Batman V. Superman. You thought that movie was great, and I trashed it. Hard. While I stand by what I said, you are entitled to love that dumpster fire of a movie (double standards are fun, aren’t they?).

Oh, I was supposed to review Guardian of the Galaxy, wasn’t I? Guys, so good.

Whitney Weldon

 

Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

If you are like me, then you surely must feel,

There are some who are making the thirst very real

There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,

Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree

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I can think of at least one adorable Braj

From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage

 

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It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch

‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch

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And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty

Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate

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Then there are babes of a different hue,

Especially those that… abs…

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And a few that even your grandma will scope

#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope

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If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,

Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor

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Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught

‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot

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Whitney Weldon

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Fangirly Birthday Tribute: The Story of Ellen

Her life began, as you might assume,

When she beat a hasty retreat from the womb

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Her wit was legend by the time she was six,

No one could ever catch on to her tricks

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But Ellen cared not for the praise, not one bit,

Even when it came from her dear cousin, Whit

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The girls became buddies, of the rarest kind,

No two more alike in spirit and mind

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Whitney cried on the day Ellen left for the city

She was now all alone, and it felt pretty… um, bad

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Though their visits were fun, they just weren’t enough,

And saying goodbye became rougher than rough

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But Ells was just fine, yes she tore it up good,

Doing the things you WISH that you could

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And sometimes, she’d think of her poor lonely cousin

For the good times they’d shared, she could count by the dozen

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So the girls reunited, and they did it real fast

And were just as close as they’d been in the past

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Just one thing now could complete their bliss,

To each wed a guy by the name of Chris

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Which totally happened, I swear that it’s true,

I’d go into detail, but that might get too blue

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That’s the end of my story, and I hope you’re all awed

By Ellen, the world’s most spectacular broad.

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Ells, I hope this birthday poem wasn’t a dud,

But, just in case, I also got you Paul Rudd

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Whitney

Crush of the Mid-Week: Bill Hader

NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 26:  Bill Hader and Amy Schumer on the set of

(Photo by Bobby Bank/GC Images)

There is nothing like having one of your highschool TV crushes validated on the big screen. When Bill Hader joined the cast of SNL in 2005 I entered a profound state of smit. He was hilarious and, while not conventionally handsome, possessed all the raw sex appeal of a young Bud Cort. It was good. But surprisingly, Hader didn’t gain a lot of traction as a small-screen heart-throb…anigif_enhanced-buzz-29034-1369072374-3Bill-Hader-Dancing-as-James-Carvilletumblr_mv5nol2b621rmrpi7o2_500

You have my permission to be shocked. Astounded, even.

And even though Hader has had awesome supporting comedic roles in a lot of really funny movies (Superbad, They Came Together) he’s never really been able to break into the Leading Man scene. Till now. I’m probably the last twenty-something on Earth to see Trainwreck, and while I had a few issues, I was ultimately won over (hard) by Hader’s Aaron Conners. If I may be so very bold, I would say that this might be the best Leading Man performance in a romcom, ever. I mean that. He is so effortlessly charming and dreamy that for one brief moment I thought to myself “Chris Pratt who?”

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(Joking, Chris. You’re my everything).

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Trainwreck, you should seriously consider it. As a film, I thought it was ok. Pretty good, even. But if you want to witness Hader’s historic rise to Christian Slater level dreaminess, you need to see it. You can thank me later.

-Whitney

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The Reviews are In: Jurassic World

My personal history with the Jurassic Park franchise goes as follows: saw the first movie WAY too young (two, guys, two years old), missed the second movie completely, and spent the third film trying to figure out how Jeff Goldblum wasn’t dinosaur poop. So why then was I full-tilt giddy for the Jurassic World reboot? Come on, guys, think real hard…

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My level of indifference toward dinosaurs is directly proportional to my devastating Chris Pratt thirst. But while I went to the theater for the Pratt-nip, I stayed for what actually turned out to be a very good movie.

hinh_anh_the_gioi_khung_long_jurassic_world__22Chris Pratt plays Owen Grady, a professional dinosaur wrangler who is called in when a new attraction at the new and improved Jurassic World theme park goes haywire. He, along with straight-laced park executive Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) must find a way to avert disaster AND contain the raging sexual tension between them. A tall order for anyone.

Just to be clear, Universal did not reinvent the wheel here. It’s a Jurassic Park movie. There are dinosaurs. But what Jurassic World manages to do very well is combine all the best elements of the franchise so far into one film. It’s scary, and sweet, and has an infectious sense of wonder that I haven’t gotten since the first Jurassic Park.  How infectious, you ask? I think my birthday cake this year speaks for itself.

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Verdict: Go see it. If you’re already a fan of the movies, then you’ll most likely love it. If not, see it anyway. If Chris Pratt on a motorcycle doesn’t make a believer out of you, nothing will.

-Whitney

Marry, Boff, Kill: The Boys of Summer!!! (Ellen’s CORRECT Answers)

Yesterday, you may have seen that Whitney played a round of MBK with some of the characters from some of our favorite movies this summer.  She predicted I would throw shade and she gives me no choice but to do be shady when she gets it so unequivocally wrong.  Once again, it falls to me to not totally disqualify us as experts in objectifying men.  Whitney, you are totally going to ruin our street cred.  If you feel like we are both getting it wrong, or if you feel like you need to tell Whitney how wrong she was, let us know on our Facebook page, our twitter@fangirly2, or at fangirlyfangirls@gmail.com.

Ellen’s Picks

Jurassic-World-Chris-PrattMarry: Owen Grady

First of all, he looks like Chris Pratt.  That should be enough, but I’ll go on.  Granted, this is the one movie I haven’t seen of the three, but just from the trailer I know that he has the gentle-yet-firm approach to train velociraptors that is sure to make him the perfect candidate with whom to make babies.  Doesn’t hurt that the process is sure to be quite…enjoyable.

avengers-age-of-ultron-scarlet-witch-quicksilver-marvelBoff: Quicksilver

I don’t know how to be delicate with my response to this one.  But…umm…he has super speed and I won’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how that would manifest itself in the boudoir.  Admittedly, “fast” is not always what one wants in that department, but I feel like it could also have…ahem…satisfactory results that I am not prepared to bypass for the purposes of this game.  Was that all vague enough to still be appropriate?

nicholas-hoult-in-mad-max-fury-road-movie-3Kill: Nux

It would a bit of “pot calling the kettle black” to reject him for skin tone alone, but I’ll start there.  Then I will move on to what Whitney referred to as his “cute little tumors” and the fact that he requires a human being to be chained to him as a blood bag.  Listen I am open to experimentation, but I am not quite prepared to have a voyeur joining us.  So, Nux, I send you off to that great Valhalla in the sky.

Ellen 

Marry, Boff, Kill: The Boys of Summer!!! (Whitney’s Answers)

I take an undue level of pleasure in bringing to you our latest round of Fangirly Marry, Boff, Kill. The competition is as tight as the contenders respective outfits and we’re hoping for a clean fight. However, if Ellen starts throwing shade again, I will in no way be responsible for my actions. Today’s contestants are Chris Pratt as Owen Grady (Jurassic World), Nicholas Hoult as Nux (Mad Max:Fury Road), and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver (Avengers: Age of Ultron). And since we know you’ve got opinions, go ahead and unleash them on our Facebook page, our twitter @fangirly2, or at fangirlyfangirls@gmail.com.

Whitney’s Picks

landscape-1430757391-frd-ds-00085Marry: Nux

I realize that the war-boy-turned-unlikely-hero is going to be a hard sell. I can’t imagine my parents being thrilled, especially when they learn that my other choices were a respected dinosaur wrangler and a superhero. To them I say, hey man, Nux might not have a job that pays well (unless he gets paid in raw, manic sex appeal), and our joy might any day be cut short by his cute little tumors, Barry and Larry. But they say the loves that burn brightest are also the most brief. At least I get to send that little psycho off to Walhalla with a smile on his face.

uncharted_fan_cast__chris_pratt_as_nathan_drake_by_imwithstoopid13-d7m49yrBoff: Owen Grady

I can’t help but think that when your job description involves keeping a bunch of genetically modified tooth-monsters in line, your time as a viable boff is pretty limited. How long until a raptor gnaws off your face, or heaven forbid, you become one of those jaded, Jurassic-World-weary, “I’m getting too old for this Stegosaurus” type dino-dudes. So Let’s do this.  You know, before the unthinkable happens and you start to look like Jeff Goldblum.

600full-quicksilver-(aaron-taylor--johnson)Kill: Quicksilver

Did you see this coming? I didn’t. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s turn as Quicksilver was one of my favorite part of the latest Marvel summer screen buster. Not that it wasn’t problematic (‘nother time, ‘nother place), but I did love this character. I loved the hair (yeah, ya heard) and his unconvincing accent and his sexy blue and grey speed suit. It’s all good. But one must go, and by process of elimination, well, here we are. I’m so sorry. You’re great, but you gotsta go. I mean it. Go! Before I lose my nerve! Wait… come back. Ha! Just Kidding! Get out of here!

-Whitney