Far, far away and long, long ago
Lived Finn
and his rebel associate, Poe
Their bravery earned them the widest acclaim
Combined sex appeal got them all kinds of game
The Galaxy by their deeds was impacted
And the enemy by their butts was distracted
In all the ‘Verse, there wasn’t a Lady or Foe
That wasn’t slayed by the likes of Finn and Poe
But it ain’t gonna work, girls, go cry to your mother
‘Cause these dudes only have eyes for each other.
–Whitney Weldon
If you are like me, then you surely must feel,
There are some who are making the thirst very real
There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,
Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree
I can think of at least one adorable Braj
From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage
It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch
‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch
And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty
Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate
Then there are babes of a different hue,
Especially those that… abs…
And a few that even your grandma will scope
#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope
If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,
Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor
Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught
‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot
–Whitney Weldon
Fangirly has been blessed with many fascinating, hard-hitting interviews during our run as the internet’s most obsolete entertainment blog. Today, we’re continuing that streak as we chat with one of this years biggest break-out stars, Oscar Isaac!
Oscar, we are so, so excited to sit down with you today.
Um… my name is… um… I know this… Melissa? Sorry, it’ll come back to me.
So, anyway, you’ve had a pretty big year. There’s been so much good buzz about all your performances–
Well, yeah, arguably I haven’t spoken to Jean… Sorry, who’s Jean?
Oh, I’m sorry man…
Do you… do you wanna have a little dance party? Wake you up, maybe?
Wow, I really thought that would take more persuasion…
So now that we’ve successfully brought the funk, you wanna talk about some of your upcoming projects?
… Um, so you’re playing Apocalypse in the new X-Men movie. What drew you to playing a bad guy?
Whoa, hey man! Leave Carla Gugino out of this! You’re Hulking out, dude!
Yep, get it all out…
You good?
Cool. So I was hoping we could just talk about Ex Machina and–
Um… why?
Yeah, totally, but can we also just talk about Ex Machina and the gender politics–
Great, yeah, let’s do it!
Oh, are you being philosophical or really asking?
Wait, seriously?
You know, it’s the social and biological differentiation between male and female organisms…
Well, we are unfortunately all out of time! Do you have anything you wanna say before we go? Maybe a shout-out to your Star Wars co-star John Boyega?
Sorry, did you say, “Llewyn is the cat”?
Oh, got it. Thanks so much for being with us today! In case it wasn’t clear, we love you here at Fangirly.
…
–Whitney Weldon
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who’s having a better year than Oscar Isaac. Seriously. Starring roles in some of the biggest movies of the year, Star Wars and Ex Machina, not to mention landing the role of the titular Big Bad in the new X-Men movie, Apocalypse. As if that weren’t enough to give a person all kinds of happy, he gets to look like this…
And this…
And sport fresh moves like these…
It seems unfair that one man should be imbued with so much raw sex appeal. Apparently, in an effort to keep him humble, Hollywood has seen fit to cast him in roles that demand full blue mutant prosthetic makeup or require him to parade as a perv who keeps a robotic harem in an underground bunker. But by all accounts, Oscar Isaac is a lovely human IRL who utterly deserves his Fassbender-esque rise to stardom. Mr. Isaac, we salute you!
-Whitney Weldon
Fangirly 