Marry, Boff, Kill: The Boys of Civil War (Whitney’s Answers)

I know, I totally get it. Too much Civil War. I give you, here and now, my promise that I will consider, potentially, at a later date, eventually contemplate posting about other things. Maybe. But this billion-dollar-summer-blockbuster-snowball just keeps getting bigger, so we are going to ride this out with our very own Civil War edition of Marry, Boff, Kill! Our contestants are Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther, Sebastian Stan as The Winter Soldier, and Anthony Mackie as Falcon. And for once, Ellen, I want a clean fight. (Psych! I’m planning to draw blood). So without further ado…

Marry Black Panther

Pros: a (bananas) sexy scientist

happens to be king of a sovereign nation

moonlights as a superhero.

Cons: none to speak of.

Conclusion: yes please.

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Boff Falcon

Mama always said, when looking for someone with whom you can share a casual, mind-blowing sexual encounter, look for a sense of humor.

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So if my mama asks, I find Anthony Mackie’s butt hilarious.

Kill Bucky Barnes 

The right sequence of words turns him into a one-man kill squad. I never stop talking. Murphy’s Law pretty much guarantees that I’m going to inadvertently turn Bucky Barnes into a metal-armed death machine. We’re… not a good fit.

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Whitney Weldon

 

 

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Run-On Sentence Review: Love & Friendship

I believe that at this point it is just general knowledge that I love Jane Austen, I’m pretty sure that is something that I have made pretty clear at this point in our relationship as reader and writer, so you can take this review with a grain of salt, but Love & Friendship is frothy, fun, biting, beautiful, and hilarious all rolled into one pretty perfect movie, but this is what I would expect from an honest adaptation of Austen’s Lady Susan as adapted and directed by Whit Stillman who perfectly captures Austen’s more shrewd outlook on her society and Kate Beckinsale delivers as the calculating Lady Susan, giving us a complex woman who you will both root for and against, but ultimately love as she tries to negotiate successful marriages for both herself and her daughter, and as with any Austen tale, the supporting cast of dandies and flibberty-gibbets shine and really capture Austen’s (in my opinion, underrated) humor.

Verdict: OhMyGoshGoSeeItNow.  Especially if you are a fan of either Austen or comedies of manners.

-Ellen Lloyd

Crushes of the Week: Our Top Ten Harry Potter Crushes

Only a millennial can understand the oppressive nature of a Harry Potter crush. It’s the kind of love that won’t let you go, and to honor that love, we’re listing our most violent Potter Passions.

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10) Snape

There are two things we can’t resist here a Fangirly: a long-term undercover sting operation and undying love. So… Snape.

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We get why Lily didn’t go for it (can’t blame a girl for not wanting to live on a Hogwarts teacher’s salary?), but Snape really knew how to make stalking your childhood sweetheart seem only fractionally as creepy as it should have been.

9) Sirius Black

Sirius was my first HP crush, and the passion has yet to abate. Nine years old isn’t too young to learn that sexy bad boys are always a good choice when you’re looking for auxiliary guardianship of your only child. If they aren’t in a Dementor-guarded gulag or on the run from the law, they make bitchin’ godfathers. (Get it? Bitchin’? Cause… he was a dog sometimes?)

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8) The Shrunken Head from the Knight Bus

Would you believe me if I said I have my reasons?

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7 and 6) Fred and George Wesley

The most common of all wizarding crushes. They were funny. They were entrepreneurial. And they were identical. I want to explain why that is such a major selling-point for me, but my mom reads this blog sometimes. I’ll try to keep this post clean, even though my Fred and George fantasies are anything but.

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5) Dobby

What do you want me to say?! I like a guy with an independent streak.

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*swoon*

4) Neville Longbottom

Who could have guessed that the little chub-scout from The Sorcerer’s Stone  would become one of the franchises most reputable Dream-sicles?

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It’s fortunate for him that he finally grew into his hunkiness, because “Mrs. Longbottom” is going to be a tough sell for anybody.

3) Barty Crouch Jr.

I’m not sure what it is about Barty Crouch Jr. Maybe it’s his daddy issues. Maybe it’s the way he licks his lips like he doubled-down on his last dose of Risperdal.

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I’m only saying that if you don’t want to raise a generation of confused women, don’t cast sexy British actors to play mass murders. That’s just common sense.

2) Victor Krum

I don’t think it’s an accident that “Krum” rhymes with “yum”, you guys.

It’s also worth noting that lakeside calisthenics are the the way to any woman’s heart

And finally,

1) Tom Riddle

I understand that he grew into a nose-less genocidal maniac. I get that he murdered people. I’m aware that he had a weird relationship with a snake.

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But you need to understand that I’m only human. I can take only so much.

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And I think YOU’LL find that won’t be necessary. Let’s do this.

Whitney Weldon

Fangirl Poetry: An Ode to Agent Carter

Some TV Execs are pleased with themselves, over at ABC

“Women have never had it so good!” they’ll say in synchrony

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They’ll say, We gave them a show,

with a Lady Hero,

But cancelled ’cause ratings were low

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They’ll go on, We gave it a shot,

But the ratings were not

Worth it’s prize prime-time spot

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They’ll go,  We don’t need someone like Peg on TV

A dynamite gal, an upper-case “She”

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A character with brains, and brawn, heart

A woman who isn’t afraid to be smart

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There are plenty of others, to whom girls can look up

Like those ladies on YouTube who barf in a cup

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So we’ll let the ax fall, and give Carter the boot,

The fans, how they’ll wail, though their point will be moot

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But we on the ground know the truth, ever tragic:

With Peggy gone, TV lost something magic

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Whitney Weldon

 

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Anthony Mackie

From a fangirl’s perspective, Captain America: Civil War is really the gift that keeps giving.

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And giving.

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And giving.

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And giving.

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Tempt me not, MCU, for I am weak. And nothing makes us weaker (particularly in the knee department) than the Civil War standout, Anthony Mackie, AKA Falcon.

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Cut. The. Check.

With his indomitable charm, on-point delivery, and eyelashes that can generate their own wind currents,  Anthony Mackie took this character from chummy to scrummy.

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Falcon may not be Captain America’s best friend, but he’s certainly his dishiest.

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So we salute you, Anthony Mackie. May your damn fine self be ever present in our Tumblr feeds, and our hearts.

Whitney Weldon

(This post was brought to you by too much time on Fangirly’s hands).

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R Rating For Wolverine 3 Confirmed, Leaves Fangirly Dismayed…

Just to be clear, Fangirly doesn’t shy away from an R rating. Some of our favorite releases this year were deemed unfit for moppets of all ages. Deadpool, Spotlight, Ex Machina, Room. But, to be fair, those are the movie one expects to be hit with an R rating. Made by deadpool-2-boyfriend-picgrown-ups, for grown-ups. And what if the increasing commercial success of R rated movies causes this trend to spill into other genres?

Which brings me to Wolverine 3. We get it. Wolverine is edgy; he smokes and drinks and gets laid and takes bad guys to the cleaners. But thus far, the powers-that-be have been able to tame the characters wild side just enough to squeeze out a PG-13 rating. That was true for 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine and 2013’s The Wolverine. So why now the sudden change in direction? Well, because all the cool kids are doing it.

There is a direct line of causation between the BANANAS success of Deadpool and this new development in the Wolverine franchise. And frankly, if that were the extent of it, I apoc9wouldn’t be bothered. But I think we can all agree that superhero movies, from either side of the Marvel-DC partisan line, are getting progressively darker and, much as I hate to use
this word, grittier. To prove my point, let’s look at this summer’s latest cash cow, Captain America: Civil War.

It was amazing right? But can we all agree that with each subsequent film, the Captain cwttss11America franchise has delved deeper into that dark, self-aware realism that has made the sequels so surprisingly wonderful? As an adult audience member, I’m loving it. But I’m not the only demographic at whom these movies are supposedly aimed.

I’ve got this neighbor. His name is Jack, he’s six, and he has the most extensive collection of superhero costumes I’ve ever seen. Picture a first-grader in full batman armor and you’ve got a good idea of what I see every time I look out my kitchen window. The take-away here is that Jack loves superheroes. Which really sucks for Jack, because there’s only a handful of superhero movies his mom will let him watch.

I can’t say I blame her. Would you let your six year old watch The Dark Knight, or Captain Batman-V-Superman-Trailer-3-ArmorAmerica: The Winter Soldier? Or, maybe more to the point, should you? These movies are starting to delve into themes and employ levels of violent realism that kids like Jack just aren’t ready for. And yet these movies, and all their must-have merchandise, continue to be marketed to him.

I just worry that one day, there won’t be any good superhero franchises left for younger audiences, who are, arguably, the ones that need these heroes the most. I don’t want to look out my window and not see Jack running around his yard in full spider-man regalia, keeping the neighborhood safe from evil. I want Jack to still have on-screen heroes he can look up to. Easier said than done, when he can’t even watch their movies.

Whitney Weldon