“Goodbye Whitney of Old”

FullSizeRender(3)Whitney and I have been living together for over 4 months now and one thing I learned pretty quick is that this girl loves her some Elton John.  So this quick ode goes out to my sweet Whitney who turned a quarter of a century yesterday.  It won’t make much sense to anyone but Whitney and it may not even make sense to her, so excuse this bit of nonsense and Happy Birthday, Whitney!

Goodbye Whitney of Old
(to the tune of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”)

So you think that you’re getting old?
You’re still only twenty-five
You still have time to party
Still lots of time to jive

You know there’s still lots to binge
Lots of movies to see
I need you to see me through all of this viewing
You’re just too young to be singing the aging blues

So goodbye Whitney of old
Where Simba was your main man
There’s got to be someone who’s better
A Marvel Chris or a Dan

Back to the yowling Brendans in jungles
Powerline fans who love Roxannes
I think you’ll finally find your future lies
Beyond the Whitney of old

Look at how much you’ve changed now
You watch Brits who bake pavlovas
The girl who hates those Hallmark movies
Has suddenly found the love

You even like dragons and imps now
Jon Snows and Starks and Hounds
Okay so that doesn’t sound all that grown up
But I had to incorporate Thrones somehow

So goodbye Whitney of old
Where Simba was your main man
There’s got to be someone who’s better
A Marvel Chris or a Dan

Back to the yowling Brendans in jungles
Powerline fans who love Roxannes
I think you’ll finally find your future lies
Beyond the Whitney of old.

Ellen

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Fangirl Poetry: An Ode to Agent Carter

Some TV Execs are pleased with themselves, over at ABC

“Women have never had it so good!” they’ll say in synchrony

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They’ll say, We gave them a show,

with a Lady Hero,

But cancelled ’cause ratings were low

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They’ll go on, We gave it a shot,

But the ratings were not

Worth it’s prize prime-time spot

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They’ll go,  We don’t need someone like Peg on TV

A dynamite gal, an upper-case “She”

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A character with brains, and brawn, heart

A woman who isn’t afraid to be smart

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There are plenty of others, to whom girls can look up

Like those ladies on YouTube who barf in a cup

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So we’ll let the ax fall, and give Carter the boot,

The fans, how they’ll wail, though their point will be moot

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But we on the ground know the truth, ever tragic:

With Peggy gone, TV lost something magic

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Whitney Weldon

 

Fangirl Poetry: Ode to Jamie Fraser

Please don’t move, sit right where you’ve sat,

Kick off your boots and untie that cravat

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‘Cause I’m dropping a beat ’bout that man among men,

That Highland Hottie, James Fraser, ya’ ken?

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For, thanks to his curls and those breeches so tight,

I can’t sleep a wink and I can’t eat a bite

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He keeps it so tight, he might rupture a tendon,

He’s the world’s most spectacular Fraser, after Brendan

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Not to be crass, and not to be crude,

But some people should never NOT be nude

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And though it’s easy to get lost in that Scottish lilt,

He’s a person, so much more than what’s under his kilt

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He can do all sorts to earn the love of a wench,

Like say, “Hey girl” in Greek and French

 

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When presented with one so sexy and bold,

One feels compelled to seek out a shower that’s cold

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And though my love for Jamie is pure,

Our courtship will surely be rated “M” for Mature

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For roses are red, and the Highlands aren’t flat,

So you can bet I’d take a bite outta that

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Whitney Weldon

 

Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

If you are like me, then you surely must feel,

There are some who are making the thirst very real

There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,

Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree

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I can think of at least one adorable Braj

From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage

 

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It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch

‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch

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And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty

Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate

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Then there are babes of a different hue,

Especially those that… abs…

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And a few that even your grandma will scope

#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope

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If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,

Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor

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Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught

‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot

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Whitney Weldon

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Fangirly Poetry: Ode to Oscar Nominations

This time of year, if your hearing is keen

You’ve heard, drifting toward you, from the nearest screen

The sound of actor, director, and writer

(A group, I’m told, that couldn’t be whiter)

All wringing their hands and saying a prayer

That this year, a most coveted prize they will snare

A little gold nude that might help their careers

And earn them begrudging respect from their peers

To them, I offer some words of advice,

From a girl who’s won her Oscar pool (twice)

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Being liked is as important as paying your dues

I’d recommend, if I may, tripping over your shoes

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All awkward moments you must bare with a grin

Even if John won’t let go of your chin

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And if you want to rake in the awards in a heap

It’ll help if your name rhymes with Smeryl Schmeep

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So good luck, nominees, at the Oscars this year

May your acceptance speech be both short and sincere

Ratings will be higher than they ever have been

For this is the year our racist uncles tune in.

Whitney Weldon

 

 

 

 

Fangirly Birthday Tribute: The Story of Ellen

Her life began, as you might assume,

When she beat a hasty retreat from the womb

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Her wit was legend by the time she was six,

No one could ever catch on to her tricks

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But Ellen cared not for the praise, not one bit,

Even when it came from her dear cousin, Whit

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The girls became buddies, of the rarest kind,

No two more alike in spirit and mind

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Whitney cried on the day Ellen left for the city

She was now all alone, and it felt pretty… um, bad

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Though their visits were fun, they just weren’t enough,

And saying goodbye became rougher than rough

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But Ells was just fine, yes she tore it up good,

Doing the things you WISH that you could

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And sometimes, she’d think of her poor lonely cousin

For the good times they’d shared, she could count by the dozen

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So the girls reunited, and they did it real fast

And were just as close as they’d been in the past

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Just one thing now could complete their bliss,

To each wed a guy by the name of Chris

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Which totally happened, I swear that it’s true,

I’d go into detail, but that might get too blue

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That’s the end of my story, and I hope you’re all awed

By Ellen, the world’s most spectacular broad.

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Ells, I hope this birthday poem wasn’t a dud,

But, just in case, I also got you Paul Rudd

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Whitney

Fangirly Poetry: A Lyrical Sendoff for Parks and Rec

I feel there’s much I need to say,

So many respects I need to pay

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My sorrow is depth-less, my grief without bounds

I swear to Zorp, my pain is as bad as it sounds

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You dare ask the source of my soul’s deflation?

‘Tis the terminus of my sweet, sweet Parks and Recreation

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But we come here, neither to mourn nor to grieve,

As Knope and Co. prepare to take their leave

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We should celebrate, honor, and thank it,

The show that warmed us, like a toasty Bean-Blanket

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Remember it’s humor, and wit, and grace,

And the time Ben and Leslie got to first base

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Remember Leslie, a woman of class and smarts

Who makes me proud to own Lady Parts

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Remember that, should your heart you ever misplace,

Burt Macklin will always be on the case

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I’d have no regrets, could I but get one wish

To once more see Ann, that beautiful, tropical fish

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If nothing else, we take comfort in this,

There’s one person, at least, we really won’t miss

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Now we send you off, with a kiss and a prayer,

We’ll never forget you, by this dead crow I swear

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-Whitney

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