A Thirsty Ode to Kylo Ren

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

Long, long ago, and far, far away

Lived the galaxy’s #1 Dark Side Bae

He has a big scar, and he likes to wear black

To be sure, he’s a Fangirly Certified Snack

There’s not much ’bout the Force that he doesn’t know, yo

He joined up with Snoke ’cause he couldn’t fly Solo

We wouldn’t say no to a one-night force bond

With this bad boy Han and Leia spawned

He’s bad with people, but good with a saber,

We dig, like the First Order Department of Labor

If you wanna know how to get under that mask,

Radar tech Matt is the person to ask

You’d better act fast, to quench that thirst,

Before rebel babe Rey can get there first

16Jun2017

“Goodbye Whitney of Old”

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Ellen Lloyd

Whitney and I have been living together for over 4 months now and one thing I learned pretty quick is that this girl loves her some Elton John. So this quick ode goes out to my sweet Whitney who turned a quarter of a century yesterday. It won’t make much sense to anyone but Whitney and it may not even make sense to her, so excuse this bit of nonsense and Happy Birthday, Whitney!

Goodbye Whitney of Old
(to the tune of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”)

So you think that you’re getting old?
You’re still only twenty-five
You still have time to party
Still lots of time to jive

You know there’s still lots to binge
Lots of movies to see
I need you to see me through all of this viewing
You’re just too young to be singing the aging blues

So goodbye Whitney of old
Where Simba was your main man
There’s got to be someone who’s better
A Marvel Chris or a Dan

Back to the yowling Brendans in jungles
Powerline fans who love Roxannes
I think you’ll finally find your future lies
Beyond the Whitney of old

Look at how much you’ve changed now
You watch Brits who bake pavlovas
The girl who hates those Hallmark movies
Has suddenly found the love

You even like dragons and imps now
Jon Snows and Starks and Hounds
Okay so that doesn’t sound all that grown up
But I had to incorporate Thrones somehow

So goodbye Whitney of old
Where Simba was your main man
There’s got to be someone who’s better
A Marvel Chris or a Dan

Back to the yowling Brendans in jungles
Powerline fans who love Roxannes
I think you’ll finally find your future lies
Beyond the Whitney of old.

–Ellen

17May2016

Fangirl Poetry: An Ode to Agent Carter

Posted in Fangirl Poetry, Uncategorized by Whitney Weldon

Some TV Execs are pleased with themselves, over at ABC

“Women have never had it so good!” they’ll say in synchrony

They’ll say, We gave them a show,

with a Lady Hero,

But cancelled ’cause ratings were low

They’ll go on, We gave it a shot,

But the ratings were not

Worth it’s prize prime-time spot

They’ll go, We don’t need someone like Peg on TV

A dynamite gal, an upper-case “She”

A character with brains, and brawn, heart

A woman who isn’t afraid to be smart

There are plenty of others, to whom girls can look up

Like those ladies on YouTube who barf in a cup

So we’ll let the ax fall, and give Carter the boot,

The fans, how they’ll wail, though their point will be moot

But we on the ground know the truth, ever tragic:

With Peggy gone, TV lost something magic

–Whitney Weldon

12Apr2016

Fangirl Poetry: Ode to Jamie Fraser

Posted in Fangirl Poetry, Uncategorized by Whitney Weldon

Please don’t move, sit right where you’ve sat,

Kick off your boots and untie that cravat

‘Cause I’m dropping a beat ’bout that man among men,

That Highland Hottie, James Fraser, ya’ ken?

For, thanks to his curls and those breeches so tight,

I can’t sleep a wink and I can’t eat a bite

He keeps it so tight, he might rupture a tendon,

He’s the world’s most spectacular Fraser, after Brendan

Not to be crass, and not to be crude,

But some people should never NOT be nude

And though it’s easy to get lost in that Scottish lilt,

He’s a person, so much more than what’s under his kilt

He can do all sorts to earn the love of a wench,

Like say, “Hey girl” in Greek and French

When presented with one so sexy and bold,

One feels compelled to seek out a shower that’s cold

And though my love for Jamie is pure,

Our courtship will surely be rated “M” for Mature

For roses are red, and the Highlands aren’t flat,

So you can bet I’d take a bite outta that

–Whitney Weldon

23Feb2016

Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

Posted in Fangirl Poetry, Uncategorized by Whitney Weldon

If you are like me, then you surely must feel,

There are some who are making the thirst very real

There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,

Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree

I can think of at least one adorable Braj

From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage

It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch

‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch

And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty

Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate

Then there are babes of a different hue,

Especially those that… abs…

And a few that even your grandma will scope

#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope

If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,

Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor

Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught

‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot

–Whitney Weldon

21Jan2016

Fangirly Poetry: Ode to Oscar Nominations

Posted in Fangirl Poetry, Uncategorized by Whitney Weldon

This time of year, if your hearing is keen

You’ve heard, drifting toward you, from the nearest screen

The sound of actor, director, and writer

(A group, I’m told, that couldn’t be whiter)

All wringing their hands and saying a prayer

That this year, a most coveted prize they will snare

A little gold nude that might help their careers

And earn them begrudging respect from their peers

To them, I offer some words of advice,

From a girl who’s won her Oscar pool (twice)

Being liked is as important as paying your dues

I’d recommend, if I may, tripping over your shoes

All awkward moments you must bare with a grin

Even if John won’t let go of your chin

And if you want to rake in the awards in a heap

It’ll help if your name rhymes with Smeryl Schmeep

So good luck, nominees, at the Oscars this year

May your acceptance speech be both short and sincere

Ratings will be higher than they ever have been

For this is the year our racist uncles tune in.

–Whitney Weldon

7Aug2015

Fangirly Birthday Tribute: The Story of Ellen

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

Her life began, as you might assume,

When she beat a hasty retreat from the womb

Her wit was legend by the time she was six,

No one could ever catch on to her tricks

But Ellen cared not for the praise, not one bit,

Even when it came from her dear cousin, Whit

The girls became buddies, of the rarest kind,

No two more alike in spirit and mind

Whitney cried on the day Ellen left for the city

She was now all alone, and it felt pretty… um, bad

Though their visits were fun, they just weren’t enough,

And saying goodbye became rougher than rough

But Ells was just fine, yes she tore it up good,

Doing the things you WISH that you could

And sometimes, she’d think of her poor lonely cousin

For the good times they’d shared, she could count by the dozen

So the girls reunited, and they did it real fast

And were just as close as they’d been in the past

Just one thing now could complete their bliss,

To each wed a guy by the name of Chris

Which totally happened, I swear that it’s true,

I’d go into detail, but that might get too blue

That’s the end of my story, and I hope you’re all awed

By Ellen, the world’s most spectacular broad.

Ells, I hope this birthday poem wasn’t a dud,

But, just in case, I also got you Paul Rudd

–Whitney

16Feb2015

Fangirly Poetry: A Lyrical Sendoff for Parks and Rec

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

I feel there’s much I need to say,

So many respects I need to pay

My sorrow is depth-less, my grief without bounds

I swear to Zorp, my pain is as bad as it sounds

You dare ask the source of my soul’s deflation?

‘Tis the terminus of my sweet, sweet Parks and Recreation

But we come here, neither to mourn nor to grieve,

As Knope and Co. prepare to take their leave

We should celebrate, honor, and thank it,

The show that warmed us, like a toasty Bean-Blanket

Remember it’s humor, and wit, and grace,

And the time Ben and Leslie got to first base

Remember Leslie, a woman of class and smarts

Who makes me proud to own Lady Parts

Remember that, should your heart you ever misplace,

Burt Macklin will always be on the case

I’d have no regrets, could I but get one wish

To once more see Ann, that beautiful, tropical fish

If nothing else, we take comfort in this,

There’s one person, at least, we really won’t miss

Now we send you off, with a kiss and a prayer,

We’ll never forget you, by this dead crow I swear

-Whitney

13Aug2014

Whitney’s Birthday Ode To Ellen: 2014!

Posted in Fangirl Poetry, Movies, Nostalgia, TV by Whitney Weldon

August 13, it’s safe to say,

Is bigger than Rex Manning Day

In terms of Joy and Jubilation,

It’s a birthday craze that is saaa-weeping the nation

And who’s the cause of all this racket?

It’s ELLEN, who just reached another age bracket!

In the “Hottie” department, she’s a repeat offender

And can make even the slickest good guys surrender.

She’s a brainy broad, with lots in her head,

Just let her regale you with all that she’s read.

She’s fast with a grin and quick with a joke

A girl you could take out for pig-in-a-poke.

If your taste is a gal with all the right moves

Then you’ll look no further once you’ve seen how she grooves

Forget that I-G-G-Y, cause Ellen’s twice as Dance-y

And it’s easy to see that she’s three times as Fancy

She’s a certified babe, from her shoes to her hair,

When she walks down the street, people stop and they stare.

She’s funny and sassy like a Lady Nick Miller

But, you’ve been warned, she’s a stone-cold Killer

She can be a bit quirky, nothing too odd

And I’m sure you won’t care once you’ve checked out her bod

It must be rough, being so super-fine

Er day dealing with boys that pine

But she deals with the stress in her own special way,

“Is this wi-fi Organic?” as Drunk Uncle would say.

And her far-away cousin, whose love won’t erode

Sat down at a laptop and wrote her this Ode

I hope you enjoyed this digital toast,

‘Cause I’ve poured all my love into this dumb little post

Happy Birthday, you Boob Punch

–Whitney

10Mar2014

Fangirly Poetry: A Salute to Joss Whedon

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

These shows you’ve probably come across,

At 2 AM online

Written by he who goes by Joss,

Whose cool one can’t define

He’s probably murdered more folks than,

The Thoroughbred of Sin

And you need not be a super-fan,

To know where Buffy’s been

Since the days of Firefly,

For Fillion we clamour

And I should warn you, by the by

His fist is not the hammer

It’s said that Joss is the nicest guy,

A cab he’ll probably hail ya

Or perhaps the keys for you he’ll buy,

To a Shiny New Australia

He made us fall in love with Spike,

Easier said than done

Entertained us through the writers strike,

Which, I hear, they won

Your favorite characters he’ll surely kill

And leave you somewhat reeling

And yet I sing his praises still

You know, Once More With Feeling

-Whitney

14Aug2013

Ellen’s (Late) Birthday Ballad

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

Yes, this is coming a few days late, but hopefully you won’t hold that against me Ellen, because I’m pretty sure that this is the Sistine Chapel of birthday poems. Now, keep in mind that this one works best if you picture it being sung by Sam Elliott on the open plains, strumming a guitar and eating beans out of a can. Happy Birthday, nerd.

There once was a girl with Game to spare,

A bespectacled lass with long brown hair,

Who often went by the name of Ellen,

In LA, where she was Dwellin’.

She had a cuz who loved her dearly,

Though they only hung out but once, yearly.

To butts, she had a sore addition,

And a proclivity for Jane Austen Fan Fiction.

Her Oscar predictions were never wrong,

And her sass rivaled that of River Song.

It’s rumored that Jake Johnson wanted her body,

And her fashion sense was never thought gaudy

I’ve heard she ganked many a ghost in her time,

And boffed Dean Winchester in his prime.

Penny Hearts thought she was A-mah-zing,

Wayne Campbell thought her a mighty “SCHAAAAWING!”

This chick, so full of vigor and vim,

Could jam a uke like Tiny Tim.

For these reasons, and many more,

On her Birthday we party like it’s 1994.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this birthday toast,

From that cousin, who loves you the most.

14Mar2013

Fangirl Poetry: Ode to Daryl Dixon the Zombie Slayer

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

If you’re looking for some helpful tips

For surviving the zombie apocalypse

You’d better talk to Daryl Dixon,

That unwashed, crossbow wielding vixen

Although he talks like a total hick

And his brother is a crazy dick

He’s the hottest guy on AMC

Even Don Draper would likely agree

He’s a ladies dream, the ultimate male

With him, I wouldn’t mind sharing a jail

And the sexiest thing, no if, but, or maybe,

Was watching this badass cradle Rick’s baby

If I were his post-apocalypse mate

I’d happily help him repopulate

Until then, I’ll sit and watch him kill walkers

And join his legion of fangirl stalkers

In singing the praises of Daryl Dixon

The man, with whom, I wouldn’t mind mixin’

-Whitney

10Feb2013

Fangirl Poetry: Dealbreaker

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by Whitney Weldon

We’re still reeling from the loss of 30 Rock here at Fangirly and in a effort to aid others in the grief process, I’ve decided to post an original poem I wrote for my 12th grade AP English class. I feel like I should mention that this poem only earned me a B. Moral of the story: when your teacher asks for a poem that expresses your inner self, don’t write about your favorite prime time sitcom. He will not be amused.

Dealbreaker

Single woman, loves her cheese

Won’t you come and date her please?

Goes to work every day at NBC

Deals with kooks named Jenna and Tracy

She figured out the Rural Juror

At first she was sure, but now she is surer

Dated a Beeper King, dogonit

Floyd also tried to put a ring on it

Jon Ham was stuck inside his bubble

Dating caused her nothin’ but trouble

Then at the dentist with a mouth full of drool

Wesley Snipes told her, “To settle is cool”

Tracy’s goal is to get his first EGOT

All Lemon wants is her own little tot

She just wants a man who isn’t a faker

Phony fellas are a real Deal-Breaker

But what every one knows and she cannot see

Is that Lemon belongs with Jacky D

-Whitney

Fangirly

Where smart girls go stupid for pop culture

Category Archives: Fangirl Poetry

A Thirsty Ode to Kylo Ren

“Goodbye Whitney of Old”

Fangirl Poetry: An Ode to Agent Carter

Fangirl Poetry: Ode to Jamie Fraser

Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

Fangirly Poetry: Ode to Oscar Nominations

Fangirly Birthday Tribute: The Story of Ellen

Fangirly Poetry: A Lyrical Sendoff for Parks and Rec

Whitney’s Birthday Ode To Ellen: 2014!

Fangirly Poetry: A Salute to Joss Whedon

Ellen’s (Late) Birthday Ballad

Fangirl Poetry: Ode to Daryl Dixon the Zombie Slayer

Fangirl Poetry: Dealbreaker