Far, far away and long, long ago
Lived Finn
and his rebel associate, Poe
Their bravery earned them the widest acclaim
Combined sex appeal got them all kinds of game
The Galaxy by their deeds was impacted
And the enemy by their butts was distracted
In all the ‘Verse, there wasn’t a Lady or Foe
That wasn’t slayed by the likes of Finn and Poe
But it ain’t gonna work, girls, go cry to your mother
‘Cause these dudes only have eyes for each other.
–Whitney Weldon
How.
No.
Why must God always allow bad things happen to good heartthrobs?
YES. Exactly.
Today I made a discovery that shook me to my core. My very core. Roughly around the area of my skeleton. The boniest part of me, readers. Because I saw X-Men: Apocalypse this week, I decided to look back at the Fangirly archives and see what we’d written about star Michael Fassbender. The answer? DISGUSTINGLY LITTLE. He’s never been the crush of any week. Nary a mention to be found.
I’m nothing short of shamed and astonished. How did Iggy Friggin’ Azalea get love and recognition before this guy?
I guess what I really wanted to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that Ellen and I have so deeply betrayed the public’s trust. You’ve come to depend on us to be nothing if not exhaustive in our celebrity crushing. Such an oversight is inexcusable. We will be taking the next seven days off from writing Crushes of the Week to reevaluate, spend time with our celebrity crushes, and get our priorities in order. We’d also like to apologize to Michael Fassbender, who has been our rock through this trying time. Thank you for being the incarnation of masculine perfection.
–Whitney Weldon
Only a millennial can understand the oppressive nature of a Harry Potter crush. It’s the kind of love that won’t let you go, and to honor that love, we’re listing our most violent Potter Passions.
10) Snape
There are two things we can’t resist here a Fangirly: a long-term undercover sting operation and undying love. So… Snape.
We get why Lily didn’t go for it (can’t blame a girl for not wanting to live on a Hogwarts teacher’s salary?), but Snape really knew how to make stalking your childhood sweetheart seem only fractionally as creepy as it should have been.
9) Sirius Black
Sirius was my first HP crush, and the passion has yet to abate. Nine years old isn’t too young to learn that sexy bad boys are always a good choice when you’re looking for auxiliary guardianship of your only child. If they aren’t in a Dementor-guarded gulag or on the run from the law, they make bitchin’ godfathers. (Get it? Bitchin’? Cause… he was a dog sometimes?)
8) The Shrunken Head from the Knight Bus
Would you believe me if I said I have my reasons?
7 and 6) Fred and George Wesley
The most common of all wizarding crushes. They were funny. They were entrepreneurial. And they were identical. I want to explain why that is such a major selling-point for me, but my mom reads this blog sometimes. I’ll try to keep this post clean, even though my Fred and George fantasies are anything but.
5) Dobby
What do you want me to say?! I like a guy with an independent streak.
*swoon*
4) Neville Longbottom
Who could have guessed that the little chub-scout from The Sorcerer’s Stone would become one of the franchises most reputable Dream-sicles?
It’s fortunate for him that he finally grew into his hunkiness, because “Mrs. Longbottom” is going to be a tough sell for anybody.
3) Barty Crouch Jr.
I’m not sure what it is about Barty Crouch Jr. Maybe it’s his daddy issues. Maybe it’s the way he licks his lips like he doubled-down on his last dose of Risperdal.
I’m only saying that if you don’t want to raise a generation of confused women, don’t cast sexy British actors to play mass murders. That’s just common sense.
2) Victor Krum
I don’t think it’s an accident that “Krum” rhymes with “yum”, you guys.
It’s also worth noting that lakeside calisthenics are the the way to any woman’s heart
And finally,
1) Tom Riddle
I understand that he grew into a nose-less genocidal maniac. I get that he murdered people. I’m aware that he had a weird relationship with a snake.
But you need to understand that I’m only human. I can take only so much.
And I think YOU’LL find that won’t be necessary. Let’s do this.
–Whitney Weldon
From a fangirl’s perspective, Captain America: Civil War is really the gift that keeps giving.
And giving.
And giving.
And giving.
Tempt me not, MCU, for I am weak. And nothing makes us weaker (particularly in the knee department) than the Civil War standout, Anthony Mackie, AKA Falcon.
Cut. The. Check.
With his indomitable charm, on-point delivery, and eyelashes that can generate their own wind currents, Anthony Mackie took this character from chummy to scrummy.
Falcon may not be Captain America’s best friend, but he’s certainly his dishiest.
So we salute you, Anthony Mackie. May your damn fine self be ever present in our Tumblr feeds, and our hearts.
–Whitney Weldon
(This post was brought to you by too much time on Fangirly’s hands).
Have you ever seen a man who looks so good in period clothes that you wonder why men ever stopped wearing cravats and breeches?
Now you have.
James Norton has been a moderately progressive aristocrat in Belle. He’s played a lovelorn suitor in Death Comes to Pemberly. He’s been a laconic bad boy in Happy Valley. But most recently he’s been scorching the small screen as Sydney Chambers, country vicar who just can’t play by the rules, in Grantchester. Ne’re have I seen a dude make a dog collar look quite as Fresh to Death as it does here (I’m issuing a swoon alert on the following picture)-
In the words of the Immortal Bard… damn.
If you’ve allowed this specimen of English manhood go unnoticed, I offer you my 
magnanimous pardon, as his CV consists almost exclusively of films and shows from the
other side of the pond. But between his increasingly impressive credentials and his perfect hair, a career in Hollywood isn’t inconceivable. If you want to familiarize yourself with his body… of work, you can catch the latest season of Grantchester on your local PBS station. Just be warned that James Norton is going to ruin you for all other tall, blue eyed, square-jawed Brits.
–Whitney
Fangirly has been blessed with many fascinating, hard-hitting interviews during our run as the internet’s most obsolete entertainment blog. Today, we’re continuing that streak as we chat with one of this years biggest break-out stars, Oscar Isaac!
Oscar, we are so, so excited to sit down with you today.
Um… my name is… um… I know this… Melissa? Sorry, it’ll come back to me.
So, anyway, you’ve had a pretty big year. There’s been so much good buzz about all your performances–
Well, yeah, arguably I haven’t spoken to Jean… Sorry, who’s Jean?
Oh, I’m sorry man…
Do you… do you wanna have a little dance party? Wake you up, maybe?
Wow, I really thought that would take more persuasion…
So now that we’ve successfully brought the funk, you wanna talk about some of your upcoming projects?
… Um, so you’re playing Apocalypse in the new X-Men movie. What drew you to playing a bad guy?
Whoa, hey man! Leave Carla Gugino out of this! You’re Hulking out, dude!
Yep, get it all out…
You good?
Cool. So I was hoping we could just talk about Ex Machina and–
Um… why?
Yeah, totally, but can we also just talk about Ex Machina and the gender politics–
Great, yeah, let’s do it!
Oh, are you being philosophical or really asking?
Wait, seriously?
You know, it’s the social and biological differentiation between male and female organisms…
Well, we are unfortunately all out of time! Do you have anything you wanna say before we go? Maybe a shout-out to your Star Wars co-star John Boyega?
Sorry, did you say, “Llewyn is the cat”?
Oh, got it. Thanks so much for being with us today! In case it wasn’t clear, we love you here at Fangirly.
…
–Whitney Weldon
Earlier this week, Whitney made a very strong case for why you and everyone on planet Earth should be watching Marvel’s Agent Carter. I will now give you a lesser, but still very compelling reason, that of of Mr. Enver Gjokaj as Chief née Agent Daniel Sousa.
First of all, he looks like this:
Second, he is funny and self-effacing on Twitter:
But, finally, and most importantly in my mind, you can’t help but fall in love with his character. Sousa is evolving before our very eyes as he goes from self-conscious victim of war to slightly more confident Chief of the LA division of the SSR who kicks butt despite his disability. I’m also rooting for him to be evolving into the future Mr. Carter but we will have to wait on see on that front (but it is SO happening). For the time being, I will enjoy the romantically entagled angst and his 1940’s style Magnum PI vibe that he has going this season., because it is all working. Well.
What else are we going to have to do to make you watch this show?
That should do it.
-Ellen
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who’s having a better year than Oscar Isaac. Seriously. Starring roles in some of the biggest movies of the year, Star Wars and Ex Machina, not to mention landing the role of the titular Big Bad in the new X-Men movie, Apocalypse. As if that weren’t enough to give a person all kinds of happy, he gets to look like this…
And this…
And sport fresh moves like these…
It seems unfair that one man should be imbued with so much raw sex appeal. Apparently, in an effort to keep him humble, Hollywood has seen fit to cast him in roles that demand full blue mutant prosthetic makeup or require him to parade as a perv who keeps a robotic harem in an underground bunker. But by all accounts, Oscar Isaac is a lovely human IRL who utterly deserves his Fassbender-esque rise to stardom. Mr. Isaac, we salute you!
-Whitney Weldon
If your dad is anything like my dad (I’m taking the liberty of assuming that he is), then he’s got a weird thing about Rocky. You know, he bought the collector’s edition Blu-ray box set of the first three movies. He has “Gonna Fly Now” on his iPhone to be played before a big meeting or when he’s alone in the car (as if you didn’t know). His idea of hijinks was to shout “Adrian!” at the top of his lungs outside your bedroom door. It’s a 
burden shared by Millennials the world over.
That being said, when my dad insisted our family go see Creed,the Rocky reboot for a younger, pop-culture inundated generation, I went along, totally of my own volition. Aside from being a shockingly wonderful movie (more on that later), it gave me the chance to objectively evaluate the acting talents of one Michael B. Jordan. By which, of course, I mean I spent two hours doing an involuntary Kristen Wiig impression.
My squees were heard ’round the world.
Michael B. Jordan has been a source of ongoing angst for us here at Fangirly since Chronicle and Fruitvale Station. Thanks to Creed, the situation has devolved further into a condition I like to call Fan-Madness. But seriously, who’s gonna blame us?
In addition to being one of the dreamiest boats in Hollywood, Michael B. Jordan has delivered some amazing performances in the last few years, with only a few notable exceptions (cough, Fantastic Four, cough). And though his place in the Fangirly Hall of Fame is secure, we encourage him not to rest on his shapely laurels. If that means that he keeps making movies that include scenes like this…
then so be it. That seems to be testing very well over here.
–Whitney Weldon
I don’t always go for bad boys, but when I do, I prefer them to look like this…
Schaaaaaaa-wing
If you’ve been living in an abandoned mine shaft then you might not be aware that Wednesday was the season finale of USA’s Suits. And if for some unfathomable reason you are not a cave-dweller and have still yet to watch this show, you are missing out on a cast with more collective sex-appeal than the entire Winchester Family. Headlining that cast is Gabriel Macht, whose character Harvey Spector took a real hit in this week’s finale. I shall say no more. What I will say is that Pearson Spector Litt’s resident bad boy coming to terms with his abandonment issues made for one of the best performances on TV this year. Not many working actors today can make panic attacks look cool, and for that we salute you Gabriel Macht. Then of course, there’s the fact that you’re absurdly hot. Don’t think we forgot about that.
–Whitney
During the course of my Summer Binge I caught up on the Amazon/British series Catastrophe. The show focuses on a couple who find out they are expecting a baby after a brief fling they had while Rob, played by Delaney, visited the UK on business. The show is a really great contribution to the romantic comedy genre, while also being more than just a rom com. It is a very funny, sweet, and authentic look at something that feels like a realistic relationship.
Okay, we got all that out of the way. Now onto the swoony Rob Delaney. Would 12-year old Ellen have appreciated Rob? No, probably not. While I may have admired his sense of humor, I was not yet mature and sophisticated enough to appreciate his swarthy manliness, nor his metro lumberjack fashion sense. But guess who does appreciate all of that in a big way? This girl.
In summary, I dare you to watch the show and fall for Rob the Character and I dare you to read the following Twitter conversation and not fall in love with Rob the Man. Such a man. Ooh, boy.
–Ellen
I DEFY you to name one character on TV this summer, male or female, who has brought it quite as hard as Shiri Appleby on the new Lifetime series UnREAL. The show itself is pretty good, and deeply self-referential in a way we really respond to around here. And amidst a sea of blonde, busty babes is Appleby’s Rachael Goldberg, a character who can’t be bothered to bathe, brush her hair, or generally give a crap, yet still somehow manages to make ratchet to so, so right.
I’ve responded to this performance in a way I usually don’t. In fact, I’m almost uncomfortable with how strongly I’ve identified with Rachael. First, I need to mention that I own this exact outfit…
I’m also usually in various states of dishevelment, although I have never managed to pull it off quite like Shiri Appleby can. That’s a gift, people. To take a look that is default for most women and turn it up to ten without lifting a finger. It’s nice to see a female character that is allowed to be sexy on her own terms. I bow to her.
It’s also nice to see a woman in TV who’s admired, not because she’s pretty or charming, but because she’s good at what she does, even if that happens to be mass manipulation. Not that Rachael isn’t pretty or charming (some people just walk in the light) but the people on this show rely on her, and defer to her in a way we almost never get to see on TV. If you haven’t see UnREAL, consider this your call to action. This is the performance to watch this year, and if Appleby doesn’t bag herself an Emmy nom, then we live in a world devoid of justice.
-Whitney
Gather around children, it’s story time. Once upon time, Whitney and I went to Comic Con together. It was magical week of nerds and sleeping in lines. One night, we slept outside to get into a magical land called Ballroom 20. Chuck was having a panel for its last season, so Zachary Levi took it upon himself to walk the line and say hi to everyone. At the time, neither of us watched Chuck, but we are still functioning females who can recognize his patented blend of approachable, adorable, nerdy charm. When he got to us, Whitney told him that he was awesome, he high fived her and told her that she’s the bee’s knees (which she is, by the way). She…did not handle it well. Granted, it was something like 3 in the morning, but she fell back giggling so hard that she whacked her head on the sidewalk. For some reason, we got a good laugh out of that, so Zachary Levi has long held a special place in our hearts.
His crushiness was further solidified by attending some of his Nerd HQ events at Comic Con where he is just all kinds of charming and handsome. That said, it was only until this week that I watched any of Chuck, but I made up for it by watching it hard. Guys, if you are at all like me and devour a show with a good ship then have I got a show for you. I have gotten through almost all five seasons in six days. What is summer for if not binge watching?
Needless to say, my crush is now full blown. I mean, how could it not be? Sure, I have a hard time buying this handsome devil as the repugnant nerd that they sometimes make him out to be, but his journey from bumbling geek to confident but still nerdy super spy is … super hot.
We here at Fangirly will always support a hottie with legit geek cred. Zachary Levi, we salute you. Scha-wing.
–Ellen
(Here’s a gif of him dancing with Tom Hiddleston. Just because.)
(Photo by Bobby Bank/GC Images)
There is nothing like having one of your highschool TV crushes validated on the big screen. When Bill Hader joined the cast of SNL in 2005 I entered a profound state of smit. He was hilarious and, while not conventionally handsome, possessed all the raw sex appeal of a young Bud Cort. It was good. But surprisingly, Hader didn’t gain a lot of traction as a small-screen heart-throb…
You have my permission to be shocked. Astounded, even.
And even though Hader has had awesome supporting comedic roles in a lot of really funny movies (Superbad, They Came Together) he’s never really been able to break into the Leading Man scene. Till now. I’m probably the last twenty-something on Earth to see Trainwreck, and while I had a few issues, I was ultimately won over (hard) by Hader’s Aaron Conners. If I may be so very bold, I would say that this might be the best Leading Man performance in a romcom, ever. I mean that. He is so effortlessly charming and dreamy that for one brief moment I thought to myself “Chris Pratt who?”
(Joking, Chris. You’re my everything).
Anyway, if you haven’t seen Trainwreck, you should seriously consider it. As a film, I thought it was ok. Pretty good, even. But if you want to witness Hader’s historic rise to Christian Slater level dreaminess, you need to see it. You can thank me later.
-Whitney
Not all crushes are created equal. In fact, I’d say that 85% of our crushes are based on tepid admiration or a need to recognize male excellence when we see it. This week is not one of those crushes. Right now, we’re all about the star of Mad Max: Fury Road Nicholas Hoult. And I mean, all about. We consider it an egregious oversight that it’s taken so long for Hoult to be offered his rightful placed among our esteemed Fangirly Crush coterie. A surprise, given that his most recent roles have really displayed his beauty to best advantage… Be warned, the following images have reportedly caused spontaneous ovulation among susceptible individuals (ladies and inclined gentlemen)…
Obviously, celebrity has treated him well but to us here at Fangirly, Hoult will always be the cute little baby-brit who made us laugh, cry, and sort of care about Hugh Grant in About a Boy.
So we salute you, Nicholas Hoult. Rest assured that if yo shakin’ it, we’ll watch yourself.
-Whitney
Summer is here and with it rolls in my favorite anytime of year dance competition show, So You Think You Can Dance. However, never before this year has SYTYCD had such a dishy judge on the panel (with the exception of guest judge Twitch, but that is for another week). Jason Derulo joined the show as a permanent judge this season and, honey, he can talk dirty to me (and more) all he likes. I know, it’s an obvious joke, but still true.
I had never really paid him much mind because “Talk Dirty to Me” is the only song of his that I know, but I perked up a bit when they brought him on the show. And THEN, I perked up a lot when he sang and dance with a group of kids on this week’s premiere. Maybe if he is a really poor judge on SYTYCD I will lose interest, but for now I’m all in.
– Ellen
Just a couple of boxes to check before we get to the unapologetic, unflinching brand of male objectification you’ve come to expect and, dare I say deserve, from us here at Fangirly. Firstly, no, I have not seen Fury Road. Yes, it is very high on my docket. And yes, I am fairly pumped about it. Which brings me to…
Tom Hardy. As a rule, not one of my regularly scheduled crushes. That’s not to say that I don’t get it; he’s cute and British and, not to get too graphic, there are some pretty sexy images of him floating around…
Pure mutt smut if I ever saw it. I’m also having a hard time ignoring his look in Fury Road.
I guess I just like a guy who knows how to channel his inner Brendan Fraser. Whatever.
So, Edward Thomas Hardy, we salute you. You keep crushing it, and I guarantee we will be right there with you.
-Whitney
Listen, we have given a lot of love to some of the other Parks men on this site. Specifically, Adam Scott and Chris Pratt, because why wouldn’t we? But with the debut of Aziz’s new stand-up special on Netflix today, I thought it was time to spread the love because I have a lot of love in my heart for Aziz. Much like Tom Haverford, he is smooth like chocolate. I may not lust after Aziz the same way I do some of our other crushes of the week (looking at you, Chris), but I crush on Aziz in much the same way that I crush on puppies in that I think both are adorable and they make me laugh. Granted, I laugh at puppies when they fall over or make funny noises and I more often laugh at Aziz when he is calling tortillas bean blankies or doing bits on getting concert tickets on Craigslist, but the love is still there. Aziz is up there with former Crush of the Week, John Mulaney, for having my most quoted stand-up and I can never look at sheets, TNT dramas, or Kanye West the same way.
Here’s to someday getting to see Tom Haverford’s sexy times ritual. “I have a ritual and it starts on the couch. We sit down, clap my hands, lights dim, Boyz II Men fades in…”
– Ellen
We’ve crushed on Pratt. We’ve crushed on Evans. But this week, we’ve fallen prey to the combined charms of our two favorite Marvel Males, whose Super Bowl hijinks made the years most watched sporting event more, you know, watchable. We’ll be sitting down to talk with Chris Prevans, an exclusive interview you’ll only be able to find here, on Fangirly. Here they are now…
Whitney: Gentlemen, it’s a real pleasure to have you… here, at Fangirly. Last weekend was the Super Bowl. Pretty good game, right?
Evans?
Oh. A man of substance. I like it.
There seems to be a bit of a bromance brewing between you two.
Oh…wow…
Ok, guys, we can’t do this here…Chris Pratt, what are you doing?!
I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, but you’re married, you know? Some things can never be…Please don’t cry…
Point taken. Let’s talk about your plans for 2015. What can we expect from the Chris’?
Oh… this year? Man, I don’t know how to tell you this… you didn’t get nominated…
It’s a really tough break. You were pretty good in Snowpiercer.
I feel your pain. But Chris Pratt didn’t get a nom either, and he’s handling it pretty well. Right, Chris?
Ok, let’s try something else. Is there anything you’d like to tell the fans? Help them get to know the real Chris Prevans?
Oh, ok. That’s not really what I had in mind-
Wait, huh?-
No, guys-
You’re definitely aren’t alone there, but-
Ok, better…
And on that note, we are all out of time. Thank you, Chris Prevans, so much for taking the time to talk with us. Congratulations on being altogether too much for us to handle.
–Whitney
It has been so long that I have almost forgotten how to do tYPing THIng, but I imagine I’ll get the hang of it again.
While I may have been crap at posting Fangirly updates, worry not because I have remained diligent on the crushing front. One such victim over the past couple months has been Hozier. This only seemed fair after a friend and I spent the entirety of his performance at the Victoria’s Secret runway show discussing the various things we would let him do to us, some of which I could mention here but won’t. You will undoubtedly know Hozier from his now overplayed hit “Take Me to Church”, but I highly recommend you check out the rest of his self-titled album because it is all great and his voice is so swoony. If you already indoctrinated in the tunage of Hozier, check out these amazing covers he did of Arctic Monkeys and Ariana Grande.
He’s the sweet, grungy rocker of my dreams.
– Ellen
Fangirly 