Fangirly’s Favorite Things: James Franco’s Movie Reviews

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Have you ever read a movie review and thought, “wow, this is just way too coherent and concise?” I know I have. Is it too much to ask that a review be so weird, rambling, and incoherent that you wondered if someone just scanned a page of  “Great Expectations” and called it a day? James Franco doesn’t think so.  In his series of film reviews for Vice magazine he gives you all the pseudo-intellectual nonsense you could ever hope for. Here’s a particularly stirring excerpt from his recent Great Gatsby review:

“The challenge Baz Luhrmann had in adapting The Great Gatsby to film was similar to what Walter Salles faced with On the Road: how to stay loyal to the era depicted, while still retaining the rawness of the original text. Salles did a great job of capturing the ambiance of 1950s America, but it could be argued that his Dean and Sal didn’t have enough zeal—enough of that desire to live, live, live.”

This critique seems utterly valid to me. I mean, what DOESN’T a guy born in 1978 know about life in 1950’s America? You know, that desire to live, live, live.

His real masterpiece, however, was his latest review of Zack Snyder’s Man of  Steel.

“I was also at Leicester Square earlier this year for the premiere of my film Oz, when the red carpet was a yellow brick road, but the night I saw the new Superman, I arrived incognito: 1) because it wasn’t my film, and 2) because I don’t think Henry Cavill would have wanted to see me there.”

Wait… what?

“Not that we’re enemies. Years ago we worked on a film together called Tristan and Isolde. I played Tristan and he played my backstabbing sidekick. My hunch is that he didn’t like me very much. I don’t know this for certain, but I know that I wouldn’t have liked myself back then because I was a difficult young actor who took himself too seriously.”

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to find some self-awareness among young Hollywood! Please, James Franco, go on.

“What Henry took seriously back then was Superman. He wanted to be Superman more than anything in the world. Personally, I’m not sure why. I missed the whole Superman-film phenomenon. I was more a fan of director Richard Donner’s Goonies and Lethal Weapon. I can understand the appeal the original Superman comics had for the WWII generation and its need for a hero to rid the world of evil, but in my days as a young man, this appeal was long outstripped by the cheesiness of the character’s suit and his douchey invincibility.”

James Franco seems to understand what no one else in The Business does. The people don’t want to read a two page snoozer about “character development” or “narrative arcs”. We want to read a four page ramble that manages to belittle the star and subject of the movie it’s supposed to be reviewing. So keep them coming, Franco! As long as you keep churning them out, we’ll keep laughing at them.

Whitney

Run-On Sentence Reviews: Man of Steel

Man-of-Steel-Henry-CavillBefore proceeding with the review, let’s just get this out of the way, shall we? Holy mother of Zod, Henry Cavill! His body is IN-SANE. SuperABifrajDELICIOUSexpialiHOLYSHIZ.

We will now return you to your regularly scheduled run-on sentence review:

The reviews were not great and it seemed to be quite divisive amongst Superman fans so I went with moderate expectations and they were more or less met because while I thought it was a nice movie to look at (and look at and look at) the story dredged on a little too much and I did not buy Lois and Clark’s relationship at all and not only because Henry Cavill is a god amongst men but because they did absolutely nothing to develop that relationship and I just kept thinking during this move that the DC movies need to take some tips from Marvel and add SOME levity to their movies because, for example, Superman is often criticized for being TOO perfect and TOO impenetrable so think of the fun they could have with that and I know that there is a lot of hullabaloo about the ending and I have my own problems with it but I just have to ask what you expected with Zack Snyder and Chris Nolan at the helm?

Verdict: If you were looking for a cool “big screen” experience, then I say go. Otherwise, a rental will suffice.

Ellen

Run-On Sentence Reviews: This is the End

This-Is-The-End-Rogen-Franco-HillThere is no denying that this movie is ridiculous and at times over the top but I have also not laughed this hard in a while and I think the movie gets away with it because the “characters” are such over the top portrayals of themselves that you can just take everything with a grain of salt so just go in knowing that and I think you will enjoy it as much as I did and I have heard concerns that you may not be familiar with their previous works and get a lot of the jokes but I didn’t find that to be completely necessary and it really just becomes like any other movie about a group of friends that you have no previous history with except that we sort of do because these guys happen to be famous actors and I had also heard that about half the movie was ad-libbed and I thought it showed and really helped the movie feel authentic and like you really were watching Seth Rogen and Co. deal with the apocalypse.

Verdict: IF this is your thing and IF you can handle a LOT of raunchy (but pretty dang funny) humor, then, sure, yeah, go see it.

Ellen

Fangirly Exposed: Ellen’s Sexual Tension Workout Regime

"I've seen actual results with Ellen's Sexual Tension Workout" - Happy Lady on Bike

“I’ve seen actual results with Ellen’s Sexual Tension Workout” – Happy Lady on Bike

I am a glutton for sexual tension. That being said, I have decided to put that deadly sin of mine to good use.

In our family, we do this kind of weird thing, Whitney and I in particular. When there is something good happening, we tense up and rub our hands together in excitement. We have discussed why we do this and can only surmise that it is our way of releasing pent-up energy. Seeing as how the thing that we get most excited about is movies and TV, we do it a LOT when we are watching something. And seeing as we are hard-core shippers, we do it a LOT when there is any modicum of sexual tension on screen.

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Fangirly Crush of the Week: Henry Cavill

thI respect you all too much to lie: I have not yet seen Man of Steel. But even I can see that, as Lindsay Weir would put it (look it up kids), this guy is an Adonis. Stone. Cold. Creamery. I don’t want to pontificate too much on the relative hunkiness of this British import because I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately, so I’ll let my clips do the talking. Suffice it to say, meow. Continue reading

A Birthday Tribute to Whitney

In years past, I have compiled lists of all of my birthday wishes for Whitney on this, the day after her birth (because I am a procrastinator). My wishes started out somewhat realistic, such as Bones and Booth getting it on and having a baby (NAILED IT! (that’s what he said)), but my wishes have become more unrealistic, such as last year’s wish that I would meet an adorable geek at Comic Con who would build a teleportation device that would allow Whitney and I to be able to watch TV together every night. Because that kind of technology should be used for something important.

What is one to do when their highly unrealistic goals are unattained? Wish for something even more ridiculously far-fetched, of course! Putting it out into the ether is all that matters. The more outlandish the wish, the more likely you are to get some semblance of it, right?

With that, I give you, but more importantly, Whitney, my list of wishes for her on her (day after her) birthday:

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