Fangirl Poetry: A Crazy Crush Compilation

If you are like me, then you surely must feel,

There are some who are making the thirst very real

There’s a few so sexy, they’re making us squee,

Though they’ve skin like the bark of a wise old tree

giphy (1)

I can think of at least one adorable Braj

From whom I wouldn’t refuse a massage

 

giphy (10)

It’s true, funny guys are well worth the switch

‘Cause, like Bill, they never forget a bitch

giphy (7)

 

And nothing makes a gal more inclined to be naughty

Than a guy who can dazzle with skills in karate

giphy (12)

Then there are babes of a different hue,

Especially those that… abs…

giphy (15)

And a few that even your grandma will scope

#Blessed with a back like bag full of rope

giphy (2)

If you looking for a boff that isn’t a bore,

Find one that can tear up the f#@&ing dance floor

giphy (6)

Though, in truth, my lust for all other men counts for naught

‘Cause 2016 is the year of the Bot

giphy (4)

Whitney Weldon

giphy

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Reviews Are In: Deadpool

featured imageMom and Dad, if you’re reading this (safe bet), you should know that I went to see this movie under the falsest of pretenses. See, I thought Deadpool was about a ghost who throws a pool party for his friends. Imagine my surprise! I honestly wasn’t expecting the gratuitous violence and the foul language and the annoyingly brief glimpse of Ryan Reynolds’ junk. Suffice it to say, not my cup of tea. Anyway, I’m now going to launch into a very lengthy dissertation on how Billie Piper is, in many ways, a more well-rounded performer than her American counterpart, Britney Spears. So, you’ll probably want to leave off right here. Bye… love you… go watch Castle for a while…

Now that it’s just us non-AARP subscribers, allow me to say that Deadpool is, as expected, pretty frakking awesome–

good one

Sorry. It was a refreshing change of pace after the onslaught of superhero movies where the fate of the known universe rests in the hands of a few dudes with matching chiseled jawlines. Deadpool is about humble mercinary Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) trying to get his life (and face) back after he finds himself on the wrong end of a science deadpool-gallery-05experiment gone sideways. He’s gotta get his girl (Morena Baccarin) and put the screws to some bad guys, not necessarily in that order.

Arguably, it’s a little light on story. The movie continually segues between Wade’s life before and after the experiment that made him Deadpool, and not a whole lot happens in between. It’s not unlike any other action movie where a handsome white male kicks ass and takes names–

good one

–sorry– for the sake of love. But it is, you know, a Deadpool film, so there’s plenty of violence and sex jokes and fourth wall breaking to keep you entertained. Luckily for me, I was sitting directly behind a person using a screen reader for the hearing impaired. Trust me when I say that you haven’t lived till you’ve seen the phrase “muppet farts” scroll across a tiny digital screen in a dark movie theater.

I understand that this movie is most definitely not for everyone. Specifically, it’s not for your kids. This is not an Avengers movie, as evidenced by the three minute long, full-frontal sex montage in the first act. Again I stress, don’t bring your children (I’m looking at you, lady sitting next to me with three moppets under the age of ten).

But if you are a mature, consenting adult who doesn’t mind having this image…

giphy (1)

bouncing around in your brain-box for the rest of you life, this might be the movie for you.

Whitney Weldon