Last week, Whitney challenged me to a round of our favorite game and yours, Marry, Boff, Kill, with this round focusing on the supporting cast of Captain America: Civil War. Whitney is notorious for always getting this wrong, so let’s delve into the CORRECT answers.
Of course you marry Sam Wilson. The guy is quick with the one-liners, he’s an American hero who served this country with honor, and I reckon he is always willing to bust out the wings for a quick trip to the grocery store when I forgot milk. What more could a girl ask for?
Boff Black Panther
Black Panther is the obvious choice here because he is the only one who is a guaranteed animal in the sack. ‘Nuff said.
Kill Bucky Barnes
…Even though just the thought of it kills me. He’s just far too brooding and complicated for this carefree, easygoing gal. Also, after the revelations in Civil War I think that it is safe to say that Buck is dealing with emotional baggage that he would rather forget. I’m considering this a merciful killing. Say hi to Peggy for me.
Yesterday, you may have seen that Whitney played a round of MBK with some of the characters from some of our favorite movies this summer. She predicted I would throw shade and she gives me no choice but to do be shady when she gets it so unequivocally wrong. Once again, it falls to me to not totally disqualify us as experts in objectifying men. Whitney, you are totally going to ruin our street cred. If you feel like we are both getting it wrong, or if you feel like you need to tell Whitney how wrong she was, let us know on our Facebook page, our twitter@fangirly2, or at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Marry: Owen Grady
First of all, he looks like Chris Pratt. That should be enough, but I’ll go on. Granted, this is the one movie I haven’t seen of the three, but just from the trailer I know that he has the gentle-yet-firm approach to train velociraptors that is sure to make him the perfect candidate with whom to make babies. Doesn’t hurt that the process is sure to be quite…enjoyable.
I don’t know how to be delicate with my response to this one. But…umm…he has super speed and I won’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how that would manifest itself in the boudoir. Admittedly, “fast” is not always what one wants in that department, but I feel like it could also have…ahem…satisfactory results that I am not prepared to bypass for the purposes of this game. Was that all vague enough to still be appropriate?
It would a bit of “pot calling the kettle black” to reject him for skin tone alone, but I’ll start there. Then I will move on to what Whitney referred to as his “cute little tumors” and the fact that he requires a human being to be chained to him as a blood bag. Listen I am open to experimentation, but I am not quite prepared to have a voyeur joining us. So, Nux, I send you off to that great Valhalla in the sky.
I take an undue level of pleasure in bringing to you our latest round of Fangirly Marry, Boff, Kill. The competition is as tight as the contenders respective outfits and we’re hoping for a clean fight. However, if Ellen starts throwing shade again, I will in no way be responsible for my actions. Today’s contestants are Chris Pratt as Owen Grady (Jurassic World), Nicholas Hoult as Nux (Mad Max:Fury Road), and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver (Avengers: Age of Ultron). And since we know you’ve got opinions, go ahead and unleash them on our Facebook page, our twitter @fangirly2, or at email@example.com.
I realize that the war-boy-turned-unlikely-hero is going to be a hard sell. I can’t imagine my parents being thrilled, especially when they learn that my other choices were a respected dinosaur wrangler and a superhero. To them I say, hey man, Nux might not have a job that pays well (unless he gets paid in raw, manic sex appeal), and our joy might any day be cut short by his cute little tumors, Barry and Larry. But they say the loves that burn brightest are also the most brief. At least I get to send that little psycho off to Walhalla with a smile on his face.
Boff: Owen Grady
I can’t help but think that when your job description involves keeping a bunch of genetically modified tooth-monsters in line, your time as a viable boff is pretty limited. How long until a raptor gnaws off your face, or heaven forbid, you become one of those jaded, Jurassic-World-weary, “I’m getting too old for this Stegosaurus” type dino-dudes. So Let’s do this. You know, before the unthinkable happens and you start to look like Jeff Goldblum.
Did you see this coming? I didn’t. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s turn as Quicksilver was one of my favorite part of the latest Marvel summer screen buster. Not that it wasn’t problematic (‘nother time, ‘nother place), but I did love this character. I loved the hair (yeah, ya heard) and his unconvincing accent and his sexy blue and grey speed suit. It’s all good. But one must go, and by process of elimination, well, here we are. I’m so sorry. You’re great, but you gotsta go. I mean it. Go! Before I lose my nerve! Wait… come back. Ha! Just Kidding! Get out of here!