Fangirly Crush of the Week: Michael Fassbender

How.

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No.

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Why must God always allow bad things happen to good heartthrobs?

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YES. Exactly.

Today I made a discovery that shook me to my core. My very core. Roughly around the area of my skeleton. The boniest part of me, readers. Because I saw X-Men: Apocalypse this week, I decided to look back at the Fangirly archives and see what we’d written about star Michael Fassbender. The answer? DISGUSTINGLY LITTLE. He’s never been the crush of any week. Nary a mention to be found.

I’m nothing short of shamed and astonished. How did Iggy Friggin’ Azalea get love and recognition before this guy?

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I guess what I really wanted to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that Ellen and I have so deeply betrayed the public’s trust. You’ve come to depend on us to be nothing if not exhaustive in our celebrity crushing. Such an oversight is inexcusable. We will be taking the next seven days off from writing Crushes of the Week to reevaluate, spend time with our celebrity crushes, and get our priorities in order. We’d also like to apologize to Michael Fassbender, who has been our rock through this trying time. Thank you for being the incarnation of masculine perfection.

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Whitney Weldon

Crushes of the Week: Our Top Ten Harry Potter Crushes

Only a millennial can understand the oppressive nature of a Harry Potter crush. It’s the kind of love that won’t let you go, and to honor that love, we’re listing our most violent Potter Passions.

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10) Snape

There are two things we can’t resist here a Fangirly: a long-term undercover sting operation and undying love. So… Snape.

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We get why Lily didn’t go for it (can’t blame a girl for not wanting to live on a Hogwarts teacher’s salary?), but Snape really knew how to make stalking your childhood sweetheart seem only fractionally as creepy as it should have been.

9) Sirius Black

Sirius was my first HP crush, and the passion has yet to abate. Nine years old isn’t too young to learn that sexy bad boys are always a good choice when you’re looking for auxiliary guardianship of your only child. If they aren’t in a Dementor-guarded gulag or on the run from the law, they make bitchin’ godfathers. (Get it? Bitchin’? Cause… he was a dog sometimes?)

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8) The Shrunken Head from the Knight Bus

Would you believe me if I said I have my reasons?

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7 and 6) Fred and George Wesley

The most common of all wizarding crushes. They were funny. They were entrepreneurial. And they were identical. I want to explain why that is such a major selling-point for me, but my mom reads this blog sometimes. I’ll try to keep this post clean, even though my Fred and George fantasies are anything but.

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5) Dobby

What do you want me to say?! I like a guy with an independent streak.

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*swoon*

4) Neville Longbottom

Who could have guessed that the little chub-scout from The Sorcerer’s Stone  would become one of the franchises most reputable Dream-sicles?

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It’s fortunate for him that he finally grew into his hunkiness, because “Mrs. Longbottom” is going to be a tough sell for anybody.

3) Barty Crouch Jr.

I’m not sure what it is about Barty Crouch Jr. Maybe it’s his daddy issues. Maybe it’s the way he licks his lips like he doubled-down on his last dose of Risperdal.

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I’m only saying that if you don’t want to raise a generation of confused women, don’t cast sexy British actors to play mass murders. That’s just common sense.

2) Victor Krum

I don’t think it’s an accident that “Krum” rhymes with “yum”, you guys.

It’s also worth noting that lakeside calisthenics are the the way to any woman’s heart

And finally,

1) Tom Riddle

I understand that he grew into a nose-less genocidal maniac. I get that he murdered people. I’m aware that he had a weird relationship with a snake.

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But you need to understand that I’m only human. I can take only so much.

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And I think YOU’LL find that won’t be necessary. Let’s do this.

Whitney Weldon

Fangirly Crush of the Week: James Norton

Have you ever seen a man who looks so good in period clothes that you wonder why men ever stopped wearing cravats and breeches?

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Now you have.

James Norton has been a moderately progressive aristocrat in Belle. He’s played a lovelorn suitor in Death Comes to Pemberly. He’s been a laconic bad boy in Happy Valley. But most recently he’s been scorching the small screen as Sydney Chambers, country vicar who just can’t play by the rules, in Grantchester. Ne’re have I seen a dude make a dog collar look quite as Fresh to Death as it does here (I’m issuing a swoon alert on the following picture)-

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In the words of the Immortal Bard… damn.

If you’ve allowed this specimen of English manhood go unnoticed, I offer you my 1364037662126magnanimous pardon, as his CV consists almost exclusively of films and shows from the
other side of the pond. But between his increasingly impressive credentials and his perfect hair, a career in Hollywood isn’t inconceivable.  If you want to familiarize yourself with his body… of work, you can catch the latest season of Grantchester on your local PBS station. Just be warned that James Norton is going to ruin you for all other tall, blue eyed, square-jawed Brits.

Whitney

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Michael B. Jordan

If your dad is anything like my dad (I’m taking the liberty of assuming that he is), then he’s got a weird thing about Rocky. You know, he bought the collector’s edition Blu-ray box set of the first three movies. He has “Gonna Fly Now” on his iPhone to be played before a big meeting or when he’s alone in the car (as if you didn’t know). His idea of hijinks was to shout “Adrian!” at the top of his lungs outside your bedroom door. It’s a 936full-michael-b-jordan.jpgburden shared by Millennials the world over.

That being said, when my dad insisted our family go see Creed,the Rocky reboot for a younger, pop-culture inundated generation, I went along, totally of my own volition. Aside from being a shockingly wonderful movie (more on that later), it gave me the chance to objectively evaluate the acting talents of one Michael B. Jordan. By which, of course, I mean I spent two hours doing an involuntary Kristen Wiig impression.

 

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My squees were heard ’round the world.

Michael B. Jordan has been a source of ongoing angst for us here at Fangirly since Chronicle and Fruitvale Station. Thanks to Creed, the situation has devolved further into a condition I like to call Fan-Madness. But seriously, who’s gonna blame us?

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In addition to being one of the dreamiest boats in Hollywood, Michael B. Jordan has delivered some amazing performances in the last few years, with only a few notable exceptions (cough, Fantastic Four, cough). And though his place in the Fangirly Hall of Fame is secure, we encourage him not to rest on his shapely laurels. If that means that he keeps making movies that include scenes like this…

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then so be it. That seems to be testing very well over here.

Whitney Weldon

 

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Gabriel Macht

I don’t always go for bad boys, but when I do, I prefer them to look like this…

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SUITS -- "She Knows" Episode 201 -- Pictured: Gabriel Macht as Harvey Specter -- (Photo by: Christos Kalohoridis/USA Network)

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Schaaaaaaa-wing

If you’ve been living in an abandoned mine shaft then you might not be aware that Wednesday was the season finale of USA’s Suits. And if for some unfathomable reason you are not a cave-dweller and have still yet to watch this show, you are missing out on a cast with more collective sex-appeal than the entire Winchester Family. Headlining that cast is Gabriel Macht, whose character Harvey Spector took a real hit in this week’s finale. I shall say no more. What I will say is that Pearson Spector Litt’s resident bad boy coming to terms with his abandonment issues made for one of the best performances on TV this year. Not many working actors today can make panic attacks look cool, and for that we salute you Gabriel Macht. Then of course, there’s the fact that you’re absurdly hot. Don’t think we forgot about that.  

Whitney

Crush of the Mid-Week: Bill Hader

NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 26:  Bill Hader and Amy Schumer on the set of

(Photo by Bobby Bank/GC Images)

There is nothing like having one of your highschool TV crushes validated on the big screen. When Bill Hader joined the cast of SNL in 2005 I entered a profound state of smit. He was hilarious and, while not conventionally handsome, possessed all the raw sex appeal of a young Bud Cort. It was good. But surprisingly, Hader didn’t gain a lot of traction as a small-screen heart-throb…anigif_enhanced-buzz-29034-1369072374-3Bill-Hader-Dancing-as-James-Carvilletumblr_mv5nol2b621rmrpi7o2_500

You have my permission to be shocked. Astounded, even.

And even though Hader has had awesome supporting comedic roles in a lot of really funny movies (Superbad, They Came Together) he’s never really been able to break into the Leading Man scene. Till now. I’m probably the last twenty-something on Earth to see Trainwreck, and while I had a few issues, I was ultimately won over (hard) by Hader’s Aaron Conners. If I may be so very bold, I would say that this might be the best Leading Man performance in a romcom, ever. I mean that. He is so effortlessly charming and dreamy that for one brief moment I thought to myself “Chris Pratt who?”

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(Joking, Chris. You’re my everything).

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Trainwreck, you should seriously consider it. As a film, I thought it was ok. Pretty good, even. But if you want to witness Hader’s historic rise to Christian Slater level dreaminess, you need to see it. You can thank me later.

-Whitney

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Fangirly Crush of the Week: Nicholas Hoult

NicholasHoult_620_012213Not all crushes are created equal. In fact, I’d say that 85% of our crushes are based on tepid admiration or a need to recognize male excellence when we see it. This week is not one of those crushes. Right now, we’re all about the star of Mad Max: Fury Road Nicholas Hoult. And I mean, all about. We consider it an egregious oversight that it’s taken so long for Hoult to be offered his rightful placed among our esteemed Fangirly Crush coterie. A surprise, given that his most recent roles have really displayed his beauty to best advantage… Be warned, the following images have reportedly caused spontaneous ovulation among susceptible individuals (ladies and inclined gentlemen)…

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Obviously, celebrity has treated him well but to us here at Fangirly, Hoult will always be the cute little baby-brit who made us laugh, cry, and sort of care about Hugh Grant in About a Boy.

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So we salute you, Nicholas Hoult. Rest assured that if yo shakin’ it, we’ll watch yourself.

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-Whitney