Five Things Bodice-Rippers Have Taught Me About Love

I’m ashamed to admit (obviously not enough to not publish it on the internet), but I have been reading a lot of bodice-ripper romance novels lately.  I have always spurned romance novels for the somewhat more respected chick lit genre.  There is a difference.  Sort of.  Chick lit is typically more substantial in length, plot, and price (popular titles include the Shopaholic series, Devil Wears Prada, Bridget Jones, etc.), where romance novels are like candy: cheap, quick, and easy to gobble in one bite.  They’re ridiculous and I am the first to admit it but, like everything that is bad for you, they are so addictive!  Especially if you get wrapped up in a series, as I now am.

To their credit, they have taught me a lot of (mostly erroneous) things about love and I thought I would share my findings with you, our dear readers:

9 rules1) The best mates are reformed rakes – Romance novels have taught me that bad boys/rakes/scoundrels/rogues make the best matches.  They are passionate, dashingly handsome, and only you will be able to make them finally ready to settle down.  Now, they are probably going to have some sort of inner turmoil that you are going to have to help them overcome (family drama, financial trouble, issues with commitment, etc.), but just power through!  You and you alone were brought to Earth to make him believe in love!  Now get to it!

2) You don’t have to be the most beautiful girl in the room, but you need the sharpest tongue – Once you meet your rake, he is going to acknowledge that you are not the most beautiful woman that he has ever met, but if you prove to be a worthy opponent in a verbal sparring, he will become putty in your hands.  Every arched brow and “infuriating woman” just means that he is falling in love with you.

3) If you get brought out onto a balcony, you are going to get kissed.  Well, probably more than kissed. – Balconies may as well be brothels.  Seriously.  The things that happen there!  It’s enough to make this girl blush.  So depending on what you want out of your evening, stay away from balconies/run out to a balcony.

Julia-Quinn-When-He-Was-Wicked-julia-quinn-6686007-603-4714) Eyes really ARE the window to the soul – These people can not shut up about eyes.  If you don’t have good eyes, you may as well just give up on anyone ever loving you.  Questions to determine if you have good eyes: Would your eyes be considered icy blue?  Could anyone ever see something more in your eyes than just eyes?  Do you eyes ever appear to be different colors than they actually are?  If you answered no to all of these questions, you are going to die alone.

5) If one of you could get sick/injured, that would really help move things move along – There is nothing like a medical trauma to bring two people together, apparently.  If you have to nurse him on the sickbed or visa versa, you may as well set the wedding date because a lot more is going to happen on that sickbed once he/you has recovered, if you catch my drift.

There you have it!  You are now fully prepped to go out and catch your rake!

Ellen

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Web Bytes: Doctor Who Teasers!!!

series-7-part-2-filming-bike-london-busAll things considered, I feel that I’ve been very cool about the impending return of Doctor Who. No frenzied posts featuring endless series 7 teaser trailers. No frantic texts to Ellen about how this may or may not be Matt Smith’s last year as the Doctor. So yeah, I’d say I’ve been pretty good. Then I saw the latest trailer and went a bit… nuts. Here’s a just a few of the clips I’ve been geeking-out about this morning.

Ok, if THAT didn’t get you in the Doctor Who spirit you’re either dead inside, or you were recently converted into a Cyberman. Either way, my condolences.

-Whitney!

Fangirly Exposed: A Square Peg Who Wanted to be a Daria

square dariaRecently, I was discussing my high school identity with a friend of mine, attempting to explain my desire to be that cool and aloof teen.  Looking back, I can readily admit that I never quite nailed it.  I was too dorky and silly, and I wore far too many bright colors (I love bright colors!).  Trying to paint a picture of what I was like in high school, I told my friend that I wanted to be Daria, but I was too dorky.

When I was in high school, I loved to watch Daria.  I was (and still am) a girl with brown hair and glasses, after all.  What wasn’t to love?  She spoke to the existential, sarcastic teen in me.

Looking back on my high school career, however, I can never claim to have been nearly as cool as Daria.  If I had to pick a pop culture teen to align myself with, it would most likely be one of the Square Pegs girls.  How depressing is that?  Less concerned with popularity than them, but “don’t want to wear my glasses, but I have to wear my glasses”.

Give the epic title song a listen and then let me know who the comments who you were as a teen?  Topanga?  Clarissa?  Cher Horowitz? DJ Tanner?

Ellen

Top Five Reasons Why I’m Falling Out of Love with The Vampire Diaries

I want to be clear: I am a huge VD fan. Ellen and I, being the veteran TV watchers we are, managed to crank out the entire url7first season in a 24 hour period. At the end of that day I was sure of two things: first, I really, REALLY needed a shower and second, Damon Salvatore was a god. But lately I’ve been feeling a little disenchanted. Here’s why.

5) Can we agree that the vampire thing is a little played out? I mean, after The Vampire Diaries, Twilight, True Blood, Being Human, and Moonlight, I really feel that the sexy-undead-tortured-soul thing has really run its course. This, coincidentally, is one of the dangers of writing a show that’s based on a pop culture fad. All fads end eventually, and all your left with is a series about something that people have seen a zillion times. Hardly innovative, if you ask me.

Elena4) Elena is getting on my LAST nerve. I’ve never been a fan of the shows supposedly irresistible heroine. As far as I can tell, the reason people keep falling over her is because she’s really, really pretty. I personally feel that she’s prosaic, passive, and SUPER self righteous. I realize that by saying this I am jeopardizing my relationship with Ellen, the biggest VD fan I know, but honesty is the best policy, right? …Right?

3) The Damon/Elena hook up was less satisfying than I hoped. I guess this really stems back to #4. I just don’t get why a guy who has been around for 150 years is into a teenage ex-cheerleader who spent the better part of the last three seasons boffing his brother. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it… gross…

2) The story is starting to feel a little ‘been there, done that’. I get it. When writing a show that has been running as long as VD, you feel like you’re constantly having to out-do yourself. But I feel that you can only save the world so many times before you start phoning it in. Come on people! Make me believe that you really DO want to avert the apocalypse!

1) Guys, know when to call it a day. After four season of supernatural melodrama I feel like I can’t even follow the Damon-3-the-vampire-diaries-28002589-426-361story anymore. Almost every lead character on the show has died at some point, and these jokers have back stabbed and plotted against each other so many times I can’t figure out who’s still on the same side. Frankly, I would rather have the show end now while it’s still a good show than have them drag out this nonsense for another three seasons.

Do you agree? Disagree? Either way, feel free to let me have it in our comment section!

-Whitney

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Jimmy Fallon

jimmy_fallonDing Dong the host is fired.  Yep, Jay Leno is finally stepping down (deja vu?) and Jimmy Fallon is reportedly stepping in to take The Tonight Show in 2014.

13-year old me could not be more excited and present-day me is pretty excited, as well.  When Jimmy Fallon was on SNL, my little heart beat so hard for him.  He used to do a sketch called “Wake Up Wakefield”, where Maya Rudolph was a middle schooler who crushed on his Randy Goldman so hard that she had T-Shirts with his silk screened face.  I wanted that shirt.  I settled for the picture above taped to my wall.

Every time I watch him now, I am reminded of how twitterpated he made me with his dorky charm and “aw-shucks” vibe.  He’s still got it and that’s why I love him.

– Ellen