Recently, I found myself with some time on my hands and saw that all three of the Mighty Ducks films were on Netflix and thought, “Eh, why not?” I am an adult, therefore, giving me the ability to choose to spend my day watching stupid kids movies. I had a lot of thoughts while watching and thought I would share them with all of you.

Pretty sure that this movie gave me a misconception about the 1970’s. I thought they were a very hazy time… Actually, maybe it wasn’t too much of a misconception.

Sometimes I think that Disney is a little too heavy-handed in pointing out that someone is a bad boy. Beer! Loud music! Sassing cops!

Am I too logical in thinking that this prank wouldn’t work on someone driving by? A passerby, sure, but someone driving by is going to come to a screeching halt to stop in the middle of the street and steal a purse? Maybe I’ve seen too many Russian traffic cams of truckers saving kittens.

I’m glad that at least the closed captioning gave credit where credit was due. Also, I posit that a kids sports movie cannot exist without the snarky trash talker (see also: Ham from The Sandlot, Tanner Boyle from The Bad News Bears, etc.)

Seriously, inquiring minds would like to know, is that a phone?

FART JOKE!

Gordon Bombay. Possibly the best name in film history. Also, the best shoulder pads in the biz.

Bombay, you know how movies work, right? Of course, it had to be the Hawks.

Pretty sure that my brother and I were incapable of going to hockey games between the years of 1993-present (?) without saying this.

Ah, the good old days when teenage boys had to make do with issues of Sports Illustrated.

You know it’s a 90’s movie when the menacing gang is on roller blades.

Hans is the Yoda of this movie. So wise. So sage.

Little baby Joshua Jackson!

Oh, movie, I don’t need you to tell me when Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is playing.

Do I need to call Social Services on this 22 year old movie?

Again, this movie is really delivering on the 90’s awesomeness. Roller blading through the mall?!

The movie the made quacking a haunting battle cry to all 90’s kids.

It’s so convenient that the entire team is in this one Chemistry class, despite the fact that some of them look like they are 5 years apart in age.

Gordon, stop quacking!

Don’t we all, Banks. Let the rich kid play, Ducks! The cake-eater has two more movies to do.

This has to be either the weakest net ever or this puck just defied the laws of physics, right?

What publication is this that has front page headlines about a Minnesota Pee-Wee hockey team?

Haha hijinks. Even as a kid, I thought Emilio laughed weird.

Yeah, go for it, Bombay. She will never be able to resist you in that Cosby sweater. What woman could?

Does Disney have a contractual stipulation that there must be a contrived romance that nobody watching the movie will really care about and that won’t last into the sequel?

Again, what is this “Hockey Publication” and where did they get these pictures of these pee-wee hockey coaches? I would really like to see a Newsroom like TV show about this paper.

What kind of douchebag father isn’t going to root for his son’s team? I don’t care how rich your friends are.

Aw, Banks. You took the stick out of your butt. Presh. See you in MD2!

Um, Bombay, you need to win. Haven’t you seen a Disney sports movie?

You just know that they were so stoked on this shot. “Aw man, this is going to look so cool.”

I cannot believe this worked. I’m supposed to believe that these kids who are growing up on the ice have never seen someone do a scratch spin?

Flying V! Ducks fly together!

Bombay, you are not helping the “Coach’s Pet” taunts that he has been getting. Also, what exactly has Charlie done to elicit this confidence? Other than let you bone his mom.

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! Now THAT’S how you end a Disney sports movie. Wah-wah, Hawks. It’s because you didn’t have a humorous yet cool chant and, most importantly, because you weren’t having fun out there. Hold the phone. Bombay is leaving his lucrative law career to possibly be a minor league hockey player? At his age?

It must really suck for Charlie that he is the only one of these kids with a present parent. She really cramps his style.

Who wants to go watch this movie on Netflix now?  Sorry if I spoiled it for you.

– Ellen