I’m ashamed to admit (obviously not enough to not publish it on the internet), but I have been reading a lot of bodice-ripper romance novels lately.  I have always spurned romance novels for the somewhat more respected chick lit genre.  There is a difference.  Sort of.  Chick lit is typically more substantial in length, plot, and price (popular titles include the Shopaholic series, Devil Wears Prada, Bridget Jones, etc.), where romance novels are like candy: cheap, quick, and easy to gobble in one bite.  They’re ridiculous and I am the first to admit it but, like everything that is bad for you, they are so addictive!  Especially if you get wrapped up in a series, as I now am.

To their credit, they have taught me a lot of (mostly erroneous) things about love and I thought I would share my findings with you, our dear readers:

1) The best mates are reformed rakes – Romance novels have taught me that bad boys/rakes/scoundrels/rogues make the best matches.  They are passionate, dashingly handsome, and only you will be able to make them finally ready to settle down.  Now, they are probably going to have some sort of inner turmoil that you are going to have to help them overcome (family drama, financial trouble, issues with commitment, etc.), but just power through!  You and you alone were brought to Earth to make him believe in love!  Now get to it!

2) You don’t have to be the most beautiful girl in the room, but you need the sharpest tongue – Once you meet your rake, he is going to acknowledge that you are not the most beautiful woman that he has ever met, but if you prove to be a worthy opponent in a verbal sparring, he will become putty in your hands.  Every arched brow and “infuriating woman” just means that he is falling in love with you.

3) If you get brought out onto a balcony, you are going to get kissed.  Well, probably more than kissed. – Balconies may as well be brothels.  Seriously.  The things that happen there!  It’s enough to make this girl blush.  So depending on what you want out of your evening, stay away from balconies/run out to a balcony.

4) Eyes really ARE the window to the soul – These people can not shut up about eyes.  If you don’t have good eyes, you may as well just give up on anyone ever loving you.  Questions to determine if you have good eyes: Would your eyes be considered icy blue?  Could anyone ever see something more in your eyes than just eyes?  Do you eyes ever appear to be different colors than they actually are?  If you answered no to all of these questions, you are going to die alone.

5) If one of you could get sick/injured, that would really help move things move along – There is nothing like a medical trauma to bring two people together, apparently.  If you have to nurse him on the sickbed or visa versa, you may as well set the wedding date because a lot more is going to happen on that sickbed once he/you has recovered, if you catch my drift.

There you have it!  You are now fully prepped to go out and catch your rake!

– Ellen