Author Archives: Whitney Weldon

Choice Picks: Top Five Fictional Bands I Totally Wish Were Real

Posted in Choice Picks, Movies, Music by

I am, by nature, pretty shameless when it comes to my tastes and pop culture preferences. However, I recently had to explain to a 12 year-old why Mouserat was the greatest band ever (which included my own rendition of “5000 Candles in the Wind”) and he managed to make me feel like a total bung-hole in a way only a 12 year-old can. That totally demoralizing conversation forced me to confront the fact that a really disproportionate number of my favorite bands are, umm, not real. To numb the shame, I compiled a list of the best fictional bands, ever.

5) The Electric Dream Machine (It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

 

4) Crutial Taunt (Wayne’s World)

 

3) The Wonders (That Thing You Do)

 

2) Clash at Demonhead (Scott Pilgrim v. The World)

 

1) Powerline (A Goofy Movie)

-Whitney

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Chris Evans

Posted in Crush of the Week by

IMG_2693You know how some actors can be totally ubiquitous and yet somehow still manage to fly under your radar? In honor of the upcoming release of Marvel’s The Winter Soldier, I thought I’d crush this week on just such an actor. It’s not that I ever actively disliked Chris Evans (although Not Another Teen Movie certainly didn’t help), I just never got around to crushing on him. Which, thinking back, is kind of outrageous. He looks like some weird genetic amalgamation of Sam Rockwell, Gary Cooper, and Jensen Ackles. It shouldn’t work, but it totally does.

I think the real reason I never hopped on the Evans Express was because most of the movies I’ve seen him in are, you know, categorically not great (Fantastic Four, Push, What’s Your Number?, the list goes on). And while I liked him in Captain America: The First Avenger, it wasn’t enough to make me go gonzo. Then I saw Puncture. (Sidebar: this movie should really be mandatory viewing for anyone going into healthcare.) Not that it was a perfect flick; I thought the David and Goliath element was a bit over-dramatized and www.pinterest.comoverall it felt like total Oscar-fodder. But that movie pretty much marked the first time I realized that Chris Evan could actually act, in addition to being aggressively good-looking. Since then I’ve been able to catch some of his good stuff, namely Sunshine and The Iceman, and have been heading down a crazy crush spiral ever since. As if that weren’t enough, he is actually pretty funny. So Captain, we here at Fangirly salute you. Better late than never, right?

–Whitney

 

 

 

 

 

Marry Boff Kill: YA Fiction Edition

Posted in Books, MBK, Movies by

If you are wondering why two non-psycho, full-grown dames would actually spend time reading Young Adult fiction, let alone deciding who among YA babe pool  they would marry, boff, or kill, then you are not alone.  At the risk of only further worrying our moms, we decided to bring you our MBK picks for our three favorite YA heroes: Ethan (Beautiful Creatures), Peeta (The Hunger Games), and Four (Divergent).

Whitney’s Answers:

josh_hutcherson_as_peeta_mellarkMarry Peeta: Two words: job security. Peeta is a BAKER in a post-apocalyptic police state where 90% of the population are two reapings away from gnawing off their own fingers. Even if he wasn’t totally dunked in Victor swag, he could pretty much guarantee me a lifetime of rolling in dough (pun fully intended). Also, this kid has been sent to almost-certain death twice now, and I think he finally deserves a pass. Guess what Peets’, the odds are finally in your favor!c654bf54d499db03330d9ff31f69d8b5

 

Boff Ethan: Hot? Check. Eager to please? Evidently. High School Graduate? Well, two out of three isn’t bad.

 

DIVERGENTKill Four: How do you like that, Ells? I’m gonna kill your YA soul-mate. I think this finally makes up for the time you let me make a total jag of myself in front of Zachary Levi at Comic-Con 2011.

 

 

Ellen’s Answers:

Whitney has this so clearly wrong that it is disconcerting.  I will be contacting the authorities after I am done writing my answers.

FourMarry Four:  The beautiful Theo James aside (look at how introspective he is), I have always loved Four (I have serious hang ups with name Tobias, so he is always Four to me).  When you read the books, you don’t even have to physically see him to know that he is a babe, you know?  He’s a Man, with a capital “M”, but he doesn’t take anything away from Tris.  You then throw Theo James in the mix and it is just the cherry on top.  The charming, delicious, delectable cherry on top.

eathanBoff Ethan: This is based on the following 1) I can’t both boff AND marry Four, so I chose to boff him 24/7, because that is how I imagine our marriage.  TMI?  I don’t care.  2) The makeout scenes between Ethan and Lena were hotter than those between Peeta and Katniss.  I get it Hunger Games was about more than making out, blah blah blah.  Social class warfare matters very little in this game of Marry Boff Kill, that should be clear by now.
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 Kill Peeta:  Look, I am Team Peeta before I am Team Gale, but I am also not a card-carrying member of Team Peeta.  I just prefer my YA heroes with a little bit more of a “take charge” attitude.  Frosting oneself to look like a tree does not qualify in my book.

 

Who got it right? Who got it wrong?  Who is reporting us to our respective local authorities?

– Whitney and Ellen

Fangirly Exposed: Drop Dead Diva

Posted in Fangirly Exposed! by

drop-dead-diva-photoSometimes I think I might not feel guilty enough about my guilty pleasures. I won’t hesitate to tell someone that I love America’s Funniest Home Videos because watching a dog/grown man fall into a bathtub is HILARIOUS. I also have no compunctions about admitting that I’ve watched Frozen twice since, like, yesterday. So why then do I feel so reluctant to disclose to the nine people who read this blog that I happen to be the most rabid Drop Dead Diva fan in creation? Does it have anything to do with the fact that it airs on Lifetime? No friggin’ doubt. It’s kind of hard to take yourself seriously when your favorite show is preceded by a made for TV movie starring Kristy Swanson and immediately followed by an all new episode of Devious Maids. Or it might be because DDD‘s idea of an exciting guest star is Joan Rivers or Wendy Williams as a saggy expert witness or a sassy judge (respectively). Whatever the reason, I’m usually pretty loath to tell people that watching this show is how I like to spend a Sunday night. Drop-Dead-g

The premise is pretty standard Lifetime fare. Aspiring super-model Deb dies in a car crash and is reincarnated as a plus sized lawyer. Cue the lessons on body image and self-acceptance, right? Well, yes and no. Part of the show’s charm is that it tricks us into thinking that we haven’t seen this all before. It easily could have veered toward preachy and instead gave us a super cool heroine that likes herself as she is. As I write this I realize how much it really sucks that this is a novel concept.

Oh, and it’s hysterical. Balls to the wall droll. Absolutely worth a binge watch, especially now that Netflix is streaming all five seasons. So go grab a Gatorade, call in sick, and make me proud!

-Whitney

Choice Picks: Top Five Best Sci-Fi Movies of All Time

Posted in Choice Picks, Movies by

I recently got into an unreasonably heated argument over what film has earned the title of “Best Sci-fi Movie”. The opposition tried to make a case for Donnie Darko and I responded, with all my natural eloquence, by fake-barfing into my hand. To put an end to the debate once and for all, I decided to make a list of the 5 best Sci-fi movies and publish it on the internet, thereby validating my every word.

timer-movie5) Timer (2009)- I stumbled across this science fiction-y rom com at the height of my (on-going) Buffy phase, and have been geeking out over it ever since. Emma Caulfield (or Anya the Ex-Daemon, for you Buffy fans) lives in a world where people are implanted with devices that count down to the moment they meet their one true love. For a movie with such a dorky premise, it rules pretty hard and begs the question why Emma tumblr_m4wcl0mljp1qbxh0uo1_r3_500Caufied isn’t an enormous movie star.

4) Alien (1979)- If nothing else, this movie earned a place on the list because it illustrated the beauty of childbirth better than any high school health class video ever could.

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3) Starship Troopers (1997)- This one has literally all the elements of a Sci-fi movie. Monsters. Space, and ships to travel therein. A really hot guy who never starred in anything else. Boom. You have a classic. Love you Ricco.maca

2) Mac and Me (1988)- It’s just a much, much better version of E.T., guys. Get over it.

1) Sunshine (2007)– In all seriousness, this probably is the best Sci-fi movie of all time. Mostly because it’s heavy on the sci without being a Nova documentary. A Q-Ball (or a non-topological soliton, obviously) infects the Sun, causing a premature solar winter. Like, four and a half billion year premature. Earth’s only option is to send a team movie-sunshine_00211710of questionable qualifications and unambiguous hotness to restart the sun, using a nuclear bomb and a dope spaceship. Like most Sci-fi movies, this one sounds pretty hilarious on paper but is actually kind of wonderful.

-Whitney

The Reviews Are In: The Veronica Mars Movie

Posted in Movies by

Veronica-MarsWhen it comes to the Veronica Mars movie, I’m capable of only so much impartiality. This show has been my world since 2004 and objectivity has never been one of my strengths, anyway. But I will try for the sake of the non-Marshmallows out there to give an honest opinion.

Initially, I was really nervous. Ever since the much publicized kick-starter campaign, the expectations for this film adaptation of (empirically)  TV’s best show were unreal. And I would be lying if I said that all my expectations were met. Some of my favorite characters just didn’t get the screen time I felt they deserved, and I felt like the plot was a bit light. But pretty soon, Veronica started digging up Neptune dirt, and all was right with the world. (Seriously, I’m pretty sure the Earth started spinning again.)

Speaking of Veronica, let’s talk about something that sort of did bother me. The end of season 3 left our heroine in a pretty spectacularVeronica-Mars-trailer mess. PizMarski’s first sex tape had just gone platinum and Veronica’s father had been charged with evidence tampering (a fact the film conveniently glossed over) after doing just that to cover up yet another one of his daughter’s not-so-petty crimes. Fast forward several years later, and Veronica is now a law school graduate with the bright future fans had always hoped for. That is until murder and potential mayhem bring her back to Neptune and the immediate social circle of one Logan Echolls. Not to give too much away, but the next hour of the film mostly consists of Veronica making several pretty self-destructive choices. Choices, we are led to believe by the 300 substance abuse metaphors, she makes because she just can’t help herself. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I had always given VM more credit than that. To me, her crime-solving relapse felt more like an escape route from real life, perhaps made a little too real by the stable relationship and promising career prospects.

Ok, I realize that all sounded pretty negative, but at the end of the day this was a VERONICA MARS movie. Kristen Bell and veronica-mars-movie-loganCo. kicked all the usual ass, and the writing was just as awesome as you remember (or don’t remember, if you are one of the aforementioned non-Marshmallows). I loved it, and not just obligatory Fangirl love. This movie was absolutely worth the wait, and totally worth a sequel. And let’s not kid ourselves, there will probably be a sequel.

–Whitney

Fangirly Poetry: A Salute to Joss Whedon

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by

joss-whedon-scary-smash

These shows you’ve probably come across,

At 2 AM online

Written by he who goes by Joss,

Whose cool one can’t define

He’s probably murdered more folks than,

The Thoroughbred of Sin

And you need not be a super-fan,

To know where Buffy’s been

Since the days of Firefly,

For Fillion we clamour

And I should warn you, by the by

His fist is not the hammer

It’s said that Joss is the nicest guy,

A cab he’ll probably hail ya

Or perhaps the keys for you he’ll buy,

To a Shiny New Australia

He made us fall in love with Spike,

Easier said than done

Entertained us through the writers strike,

Which, I hear, they won

Your favorite characters he’ll surely kill

And leave you somewhat reeling

And yet I sing his praises still

You know, Once More With Feeling

-Whitney

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Whitney’s Rom Com MASH Mania!

Posted in Movies by

cluelessBeing a twenty-something undergrad with no marketable skills and a crippling TV habit can have a lot of fun upsides (all day Joss Whedon marathons, low-budget Oscar parties, a staggering collection of Doctor Who merch). Low-paying menial jobs are not one of them. Luckily, I found a way to numb the drudgery without ever having to resort to pills or after work fight clubs. I call it RASH, or Rom Com MASH. It combines all the randomized fortune-telling nonsense of a MASH game with the Romantic Comedy tropes we know and love, effectively allowing you to build your own rom com. Allow me to demonstrate:

1) First list your possible Leading Men

  • Christian Slater
  • James Van Der Beek
  • Tom Hiddleston
  • Chris Evans
  • Adam Scottwhat's your number anna ferris 615

2) Next list your character’s possible career. This is important because it tells your audience what kinda gal you are without requiring any actual character development. For the purposes of this example, I’m going for the ol’ Driven-But-Emotionally-Unfulfilled-Career-Woman. Classic.

  • High ranking magazine editor
  • Journalism student looking for her big break in the big city
  • talented cardiac surgeon who needs someone to work on her heart
  • you get the idea

3) Now think up some possible Meet Cutes. Decide how you and your squeeze first meet.

  • Oh no! You try to hail the same cab in the rain
  • You are mismatched co-workers in a very cramped office space
  • you both are chosen to fight for your lives in a dystopian death match in post-apocalyptic America (my personal favorite)

010213_1458_WhateverHap1This process can go on for a while. Who’s going to play your spunky BFF? What’s your movie’s theme song? What’s your Box Office take? Once you’ve got your categories lined up, all that is left to do is play! Believe me, if you are a cinephile with a lot of time on your hands, this is your game. Share your results in our comment section!

–Whitney

Top Five 2014 Oscar Nomination Snubs

Posted in Choice Picks by

I have just one word to say about the 2014 Academy Award Nominations: egregious (brought to you by dictionary.com’s word of the day). Because so many outstanding performances were completely ignored by the Academy, we at Fangirly feel it our duty to present to you, our four readers, those we feel should have been recognized this year.gallery_test2

5) “Wolf of Wall Street” for Most Judicious Use of the F-Word in a Motion Picture. I heard it was only like, five… Sorry, did you say five hundred??? That is like, a whole other award.

4) Tom Cruise for Best Use of Lifts in a Motion Picture in “Jack Reacher”. Guys, I actually believed that he and Rosamund Pike were amy-adams-christian-bale-american-hustleable to have a conversation without using two tin cans and a string.

3) “American Hustle” for Best Foreign Language Film. I didn’t even need subtitles for this one, because I speak conversational 70’s. For that I’d like to thank the band Grand Funk Railroad and the movie Slap Shot.gravity-imax-poster-sandra-bullock-george-clooney-small

2) “Gravity” for Film Most Likely to Make Whitney Piss Her Pants in a Theater Due to a Complete Lack of Bathroom Break Moments. Don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

NEBRASKA1) June Squibb for Actress in a Supporting Role That I’m Pretty Sure Was Based On My Paternal Grandmother. Super Cute? Check. Foul-mouthed? You got it. Ability to suffer fools? Highly questionable.

–Whitney

Top Five Sick Day Movies!

Posted in Choice Picks, Movies by

Flu season has finally arrived! Being sick has the tendency to suck pretty thoroughly, but I’m here to tell you that there are ways to circumvent the suckiness. One tried and true way is to have a stock pile of Sick Day movies that have plenty of entertaining, if not medicinal, qualities. Hold on to your lunch, because here are my top five!

Cabin-in-the-Woods_025) Joss Whedon’s Cabin in the Woods– I’m a fan of gore even when I’m not chucking cookies or sneezing out stuff that looks alarmingly like bits of cerebral cortex. But somehow, watching cute co-eds get disemboweled right after you heave up bits of your own viscera tends to put your misery into perspective. Besides, Fran Kranz is enough to make any girl feel feverish.

4) 13 Going on 30– As a card 13-going-on-30-thriller-dance-scenecarrying lady, I reserve the right to watch ANY rom-com, at ANY given time. However, there’s something about sick days that makes watching two extraordinarily hot people fall in love (what Hollywood calls romance, I call Darwinism) even more satisfying. This one is especially suited for sick days because Mark Ruffalo’s dopey good looks and Average Joe sensibilities are a soothing balm for any gal in pain.

fred-savage-the-princess-bride-650x3303) The Princess Bride– If it’s good enough for Fred Savage, it’s good enough for you!

2)Evita- Sore throat? No Problem! Here’s what you do: put on a frilly night gown, adopt an air of neuvo riche superiority, and reenact the death bed scene where Eva scratches out her final refrain. SO. MUCH. FUN. movie-ghostbusters_00212448

1) Ghostbusters– Just in case your sick day hasn’t seen enough green slime.

–Whitney

 

 

 

Fangirly In the Defense of: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Posted in TV by

3043521-agents_of_shieldI know that a lot of people wrote off Agents of Shield once they caught a whiff of procedural, and I can’t say I blame them. The last thing network tv needs is CSI:Marvel, even with Clark Gregg filling the David-Caruso-type-shaded-and-jaded-team-leader role. But before we consign this Whedon and Tancharoen brain baby to cancellation station, let’s remember a few things…

1) Where there’s a Whedon, there’s a way. How many times are we going to allow shows with the names Joss or Jed attached to them be ruthless canceled, and subsequently branded as cult classics, before we realize that these folks know what they are doing? Let’s break the cycle, people.

2) Growing pains, people. I mean, was Buffy awesome right from episode 1? Short answer: no. (For the record, there is nothing scary about fruit punch mouth). The point is, it got better. Way, way better. Why can’t we give Coulson and Co. the same chance to come into their own?f967b1ba77ee884f84b917e7b9b79c8f

3) I’m going gonzo over Iain De Caestecker. Those of you who stuck it out through the whole first series of The Fades, rejoice! Paul is back, this time in a show that won’t make you want to take a melon baller to your eyes!

In conclusion, everybody be cool! Agents hasn’t dazzled so far, but the fall season has just started. And really, I think we kind of owe Joss Whedon a freebee anyway.

–Whitney

Ellen’s (Late) Birthday Ballad

Posted in Fangirl Poetry by

Yes, this is coming a few days late, but hopefully you won’t hold that against me Ellen, because I’m pretty sure that this is the Sistine Chapel of birthday poems. Now, keep in mind that this one works best if you picture it being sung by Sam Elliott on the open plains, strumming a guitar and eating beans out of a can. Happy Birthday, nerd.

There once was a girl with Game to spare,

A bespectacled lass with long brown hair,

Who often went by the name of Ellen,

In LA, where she was Dwellin’.

She had a cuz who loved her dearly,

Though they only hung out but once, yearly.

To butts, she had a sore addition,

And a proclivity for Jane Austen Fan Fiction.

Her Oscar predictions were never wrong,

And her sass rivaled that of River Song.

It’s rumored that Jake Johnson wanted her body,

And her fashion sense was never thought gaudy

I’ve heard she ganked many a ghost in her time,

And boffed Dean Winchester in his prime.

Penny Hearts thought she was A-mah-zing,

Wayne Campbell thought her a mighty “SCHAAAAWING!”

This chick, so full of vigor and vim,

Could jam a uke like Tiny Tim.

For these reasons, and many more,

On her Birthday we party like it’s 1994.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this birthday toast,

From that cousin, who loves you the most.

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Fangirly Crush of the Week: Aaron Turner of So You Think You Can Dance!

Posted in Crush of the Week by

aaronsd_02-aaron-foxcom_0056_pw2Just when I think the Fangirly Babe-Pool is running dry, I get slammed with a shiny new quasi-celebrity crush. I say ‘quasi-celebrity’ because Aaron Turner, SYTYCD‘s new tall and tasty tapper, isn’t exactly a household name. Yet.  In my unprofessional opinion it’s only a matter of time before Aaron goes from smokin’ hot dance show contestant to America’s Broadway hunk de jure (think Cheyenne Jackson, only straight. Probably). Let me show you what I’m talking about.

That guy should goes sleeveless. All the time.

-Whitney

Top Five Things I Miss About the 2000’s

Posted in Nostalgia by

It’s the year 2013, and you know what that means: the 21st century is officially a teenager! This is pretty fitting because if I had to pick three words to describe my year so far they would probably be awkward, surly, and pubescent. And while the 2010’s have been a thrill, this millennial has been reminiscing about  all the things that made the 2000’s so hecka awesome.

sGbIU2cBTNutBApXJFMS_Myspace5) Myspace- If myspace.com were a person, it would be that super popular but kinda gross guy that you hung out with in high school, who you recently bumped into at your 5 year reunion and, what a surprise, he’s got more ink than a Laserjet printer and he’s still pursuing his rap career in spite of all his trouble with hepatitis. Luckily, you’re with Facebook now, and the two of you are very happy together.  Uggs

4) Ugg Boots- This one is on us. I mean, the manufacturer actually named these boots after the noise you make when you see old people making out or when you step in something gross. Or the noise you make when you realize that you spent years of your life wearing glorified Moon Boots. Ugg, indeed.

3) Razor Scooters- guys, I came so close to doing a 180 one time. SO CLOSE.

2) SNL–

ewan_mcgregor-tuxedo1) Ewan McGregor- What do you get when you combine a 12 year old Whitney, printable iron-0ns, and way too much free time? A bunch of pillow cases with this guys face on them. No shame.

-Whitney (Mrs. Ewan McGregor) 

 

Fangirly’s Favorite Things: James Franco’s Movie Reviews

Posted in Movies by

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Have you ever read a movie review and thought, “wow, this is just way too coherent and concise?” I know I have. Is it too much to ask that a review be so weird, rambling, and incoherent that you wondered if someone just scanned a page of  “Great Expectations” and called it a day? James Franco doesn’t think so.  In his series of film reviews for Vice magazine he gives you all the pseudo-intellectual nonsense you could ever hope for. Here’s a particularly stirring excerpt from his recent Great Gatsby review:

“The challenge Baz Luhrmann had in adapting The Great Gatsby to film was similar to what Walter Salles faced with On the Road: how to stay loyal to the era depicted, while still retaining the rawness of the original text. Salles did a great job of capturing the ambiance of 1950s America, but it could be argued that his Dean and Sal didn’t have enough zeal—enough of that desire to live, live, live.”

This critique seems utterly valid to me. I mean, what DOESN’T a guy born in 1978 know about life in 1950’s America? You know, that desire to live, live, live.

His real masterpiece, however, was his latest review of Zack Snyder’s Man of  Steel.

“I was also at Leicester Square earlier this year for the premiere of my film Oz, when the red carpet was a yellow brick road, but the night I saw the new Superman, I arrived incognito: 1) because it wasn’t my film, and 2) because I don’t think Henry Cavill would have wanted to see me there.”

Wait… what?

“Not that we’re enemies. Years ago we worked on a film together called Tristan and Isolde. I played Tristan and he played my backstabbing sidekick. My hunch is that he didn’t like me very much. I don’t know this for certain, but I know that I wouldn’t have liked myself back then because I was a difficult young actor who took himself too seriously.”

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to find some self-awareness among young Hollywood! Please, James Franco, go on.

“What Henry took seriously back then was Superman. He wanted to be Superman more than anything in the world. Personally, I’m not sure why. I missed the whole Superman-film phenomenon. I was more a fan of director Richard Donner’s Goonies and Lethal Weapon. I can understand the appeal the original Superman comics had for the WWII generation and its need for a hero to rid the world of evil, but in my days as a young man, this appeal was long outstripped by the cheesiness of the character’s suit and his douchey invincibility.”

James Franco seems to understand what no one else in The Business does. The people don’t want to read a two page snoozer about “character development” or “narrative arcs”. We want to read a four page ramble that manages to belittle the star and subject of the movie it’s supposed to be reviewing. So keep them coming, Franco! As long as you keep churning them out, we’ll keep laughing at them.

–Whitney

Fangirly Crush of the Week: Henry Cavill

Posted in Crush of the Week by

thI respect you all too much to lie: I have not yet seen Man of Steel. But even I can see that, as Lindsay Weir would put it (look it up kids), this guy is an Adonis. Stone. Cold. Creamery. I don’t want to pontificate too much on the relative hunkiness of this British import because I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately, so I’ll let my clips do the talking. Suffice it to say, meow. Continue reading →