Dear Fangirly: Where We Dispense Semi-Solicited Advice, With Questionable Success

Between us, Ellen and I have about 50 years of combined life experience. Between Ellen, me, and our DVRs, we’ve racked up close to a millions years worth of knowledge and skill in all kinds of areas, like how best to keep dog hair off your toothbrush, or get rid of the vengeful spirit living in your antique doll, or how to manage your love triangle with two 150-year-old vampire brothers. And since this brand of wisdom was meant to be shared, we’re offering you our semi-solicited advice. These are real questions from real readers. The subsequent advice may be less… on the level.

Dear Whitney and Ellen,

I am writing to you both because I have one of the most common problems riddling any shy girl on the planet. I have a guy that I work with and I can’t tell if he likes me. And OBVIOUSLY I can’t just tell him and be done with it. 

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He makes me laugh and we have loads of fun talking together. He’s so confusing though and some days it does seem like he likes me and then he’ll do something strange and I can’t tell anymore. 
Just the other day we were chatting, quoting Scott Pilgrim as you do (I don’t have to defend my choices. It is one of the greatest, most quotable movies ever made. I will go so far as to call it a cinematic masterpiece) and this happens:
Me: break out the L-word. 
      Lesbians? 
Him: I’m in lesbian with you
H: Not you
H: But thats the words
H: That he says
H: In that movie
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I KNOW THE QUOTE. I KNOW THAT IT IS A QUOTE. THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING. WE WERE QUOTING THE MOVIE. 
So, did he feel the need to clarify because he really doesn’t like me? Or is it because does like me but doesn’t want me to think he does? Or is it something else entirely?
What is a girl to do? I’m entrusting you with my future.

-Unlucky in Lesbians

Dearest, sweetest Lesbians. First, I want to commend you on your excellent taste. Ellen and I were just saying the SPvW is a highly quotable movies that deserves more love than it ever got at the Box Office.

Next, I’ll say that you were right to bring this to us. This is a situation fraught with emotional complexity, and we think that the source of the problem is also where you can find your solution. That’s right. Let’s take at look at the relationship dynamics of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.

I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that Scott Pilgrim was also embroiled in a complicated romantic fracas.

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For Scott and Ramona, their relationship wasn’t so much of a “will they/ won’t they” as a “should they/ shouldn’t they”. The conversation between you and “Him” seems embedded with flirty undertones. Subtext galore. So we’ve got to ask ourselves, assuming he feels the same way you do (a safe assumption, based on the aforementioned exchange), why isn’t he acting on it? I’ve got some ideas.

Maybe, like Ramona, there are other parties involved.

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Ask around the office, or ask him directly. Is there someone else in his life? It would be easy to frame this line of questioning as a friend just taking an interest in another friend. Try to find out what is making him drag his feet. If you’re feeling really saucy, use visual cues.

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The best advice I can give is, don’t get discouraged.

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I know that this phase of relationships can drag out. Try not to feel too frustrated. But if this person is really special, if you hear Beck playing when you two are together, then he’s probably worth waiting for.

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I know, Lesbians, I know. This probably feels like the universe is hitting you where it hurts.

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But I guarantee that if you just keep being your bad self, “Him” will come around soon. And if he doesn’t, then I can safely say, his loss.

The Fangirly Girls

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Choice Picks: If You Don’t Like These Movies, We Probably Can’t be Friends

Making friends as an adult can be fraught with drama and disappointment. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten excited about a burgeoning friendship, only to find that the person’s favorite show is Criminal Minds or (heaven forbid)  Angel. It’s a struggle to which we can all relate. So to guard myself from forming platonic attachments I’d live to regret, I developed this friendship litmus test. The idea is that I expose this potential pal to the movies that are, essentially, celluloid chunks of my very soul, and if their response is less than enthusiastic, I cut ’em loose. It sounds mean, but I’m really just saving everyone’s time. Let’s dig in.

super-85. Super 8 (2011)

Super 8 is pretty much everything I ever wanted in a movie: 70’s nostalgia, aliens, Kyle Chandler being a dad, 12-year-olds swearing. This movie came out during the same summer that brought us Bridesmaids, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, and X-Men: First Class, and for me, it eclipsed all of them. When I FORCE a friend to watch this movie, I pay close attention to their face during the scene where Joel Courtney sacrifices his dead mother’s locket to help a wayward alien get back home; if they are not weeping without restraint, I don’t see much of a future for us.

4. Wayne’s Worldwaynes-world-2-20090512040018349-000

Approximately 90 percent of everything that comes out of my mouth is a direct quote from this movie. Last Christmas, my mother handed me a gift and my knee-jerk response was “If this is a severed head, I’m going to be very upset”. That is a true story. So I’m not saying that people who don’t like this movie aren’t cool (out loud), but if you don’t know this film inside and out, there will probably be an insurmountable language barrier between us. Alas.

1450660-7_evil_ex_boyfriends_scott_pilgrim_vs_the_world3. Scott Pilgrim V. The World

This is a fairly recent addition to the list. I coerced a friend into watching this only last February and TO MY HORROR this schlemiel fell asleep half way through. When questioned, their response was “it was kind of stupid”. I have never been so personally offended by a critique of another persons work in my life. Too irate for words. Scott Pilgrim is a lot of things, and stupid is not one of them. This is one of the densest scripts ever to be committed to film; the jokes are so smart and packed in so tightly that most of them are missed on the first viewing. Haters can kindly step to the left. Right off a cliff.

2. The OrphanageBest-Movie-Ghosts-Demons-Tomas-The-Orphanage

This movie serves a duel purpose. One, it tells me what kind horror viewer a person is. Do they shriek in my ear? Do they claw at me during the scary parts? Can they conduct themselves with composure befitting a grown-up when the old lady in the goggle glasses pops out of nowhere? Two, is this the kind of person who whines about subtitles? Not that I’m one of those Art-House-Foreign-Film Elitists, but come on. It’s fifth grade level reading. Suck it up.

Unbreakable1. Unbreakable

I caught this movie while channel surfing after school one afternoon and decided, at the tender age of 11, that this was about as good as a movie gets. Its a non-comic based superhero movie about a man (Bruce Willis) who realizes that he can’t be hurt. It’s dark and terse and such a slow burn. If a friend trusts me enough to sit through 45 minutes of character development and backstory to reach this beautiful pay-off, I can see us going the distance. In friendship terms.

Whitney

Choice Picks: Top Five Fictional Bands I Totally Wish Were Real

I am, by nature, pretty shameless when it comes to my tastes and pop culture preferences. However, I recently had to explain to a 12 year-old why Mouserat was the greatest band ever (which included my own rendition of “5000 Candles in the Wind”) and he managed to make me feel like a total bung-hole in a way only a 12 year-old can. That totally demoralizing conversation forced me to confront the fact that a really disproportionate number of my favorite bands are, umm, not real. To numb the shame, I compiled a list of the best fictional bands, ever.

5) The Electric Dream Machine (It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

 

4) Crutial Taunt (Wayne’s World)

 

3) The Wonders (That Thing You Do)

 

2) Clash at Demonhead (Scott Pilgrim v. The World)

 

1) Powerline (A Goofy Movie)

-Whitney