“I’ve seen actual results with Ellen’s Sexual Tension Workout” – Happy Lady on Bike
I am a glutton for sexual tension. That being said, I have decided to put that deadly sin of mine to good use.
In our family, we do this kind of weird thing, Whitney and I in particular. When there is something good happening, we tense up and rub our hands together in excitement. We have discussed why we do this and can only surmise that it is our way of releasing pent-up energy. Seeing as how the thing that we get most excited about is movies and TV, we do it a LOT when we are watching something. And seeing as we are hard-core shippers, we do it a LOT when there is any modicum of sexual tension on screen.
In years past, I have compiled lists of all of my birthday wishes for Whitney on this, the day after her birth (because I am a procrastinator). My wishes started out somewhat realistic, such as Bones and Booth getting it on and having a baby (NAILED IT! (that’s what he said)), but my wishes have become more unrealistic, such as last year’s wish that I would meet an adorable geek at Comic Con who would build a teleportation device that would allow Whitney and I to be able to watch TV together every night. Because that kind of technology should be used for something important.
What is one to do when their highly unrealistic goals are unattained? Wish for something even more ridiculously far-fetched, of course! Putting it out into the ether is all that matters. The more outlandish the wish, the more likely you are to get some semblance of it, right?
With that, I give you, but more importantly, Whitney, my list of wishes for her on her (day after her) birthday:
If you’re anything like me, then you encounter awkward situations anywhere between 15 to 1,000,000 times a day (what can I say, I’m an UNCOMFORTABLE person to be around). In fact, if I were a super hero, my name would be The Odd Broad, and instead of a dope cape or figure-flattering mask, I would wear this Nick Miller panic moonwalk shirt from Redbubble.com. For those of us who need to brush up on our panic moonwalking, I’ve provided the following clip. Also, it should be noted that what Nick does isn’t so much actual moonwalking as it is just walking backwards. Not to split hairs.
We love everything about Fox’s New Girl. Nick is a turtle-faced fox, Winston is the best friend we never knew we needed, Schmidt is a walking tutorial on how not to behave, and Jess is the style guru we fangirls have been waiting for. This week, not only are we going to show you how to get Jess’ look, we’re going to show you how to make it your own.
Eyewear: When trying to look like America’s Queen of Quirk, accessorizing is key. And, as every good New Girl fan knows, Jess’ fav accessory is a super cute pair of glasses. So to all my myopic sisters out there, ditch the contacts and sport those specs! To really make it your own, why not go for a cool monocle? It’s the perfect blend of sass and class.
Dresses: If you’re anything like me, you covet every dress that Deschanel has ever worn. But how does a fangirl on a budget get her paws on cute frocks without having to sell an organ or competing on a reality TV show? I’ll tell ya how: Modcloth! They’ve got a pretty great selection of cute dresses that are guarenteed to help you access your inner quirky girl!
Leg wear: It’s simple folks. Wear tights with everything. There is no situation too formal for tights. Got a big meeting coming up? Slap on some tights under your favorite pantsuit and then- this is important- DITCH THE PANTS. It’s a classic example of business on top, party on the bottom. Your coworkers will admire your moxy and your sexy gams.
Attitude: A key element to Jess’ look is plenty of confidence. So go on, sister-friend. Put on your new outfit (complete with brand new monocle) and work it. If you follow our advice, I promise that all the Nick Millers in your life will be beating down your door. And it will probably look a lot like this…