Fangirly Presents: Why Women aren’t Funny

You know what sucks?

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And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I was informed today that women are, tragically, not funny.

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It’s true.

I know this because the person who let me in on this secret was, himself, blessed with a penis, so you know he knows comedy.

At first I was furious. How could someone make, with such confidence, such a blatantly untrue generalization?

Then I thought about it. And, wouldn’t you know it, he’s right.

Women really aren’t funny.

I mean, we have no sense of irony.

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Woman are historically terrible at physical comedy.

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Honestly, how many women can do impressions?

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I think, and this is just me, that women are too preoccupied with their appearance to be funny.

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And you know who really isn’t funny? Mature women.

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Maybe if we didn’t harp so much about objectification in the media.

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Maybe if we just got better at rolling with the punches.

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If we weren’t so damn prissy. You know, developed a sense of bathroom humor.

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It’s no wonder that male comedians don’t want to work with women.

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And why there aren’t any good female comedy duos.

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Who would have thought that ovaries, those things that launch our transformations into raging hose beasts with each new moon, would be the agents of our comedic destruction?

Let’s rally, ladies. Let’s focus on our strengths. Like wifery.

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And being good at literally everything else.

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Actually… wait…

I think I just thought of a joke.

Ok, bare with me, I’m new at this.

What did the woman say to the dumb-ass who thinks women aren’t funny?

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Get it?

Whitney Weldon

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Awards by the Minute: Golden Globes

Join me, as I get angry, joyous, and ambivalent over the course of an entire award ceremony.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:00 Guys, not going to lie, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey have a lot to live up to for this old girl.  But given how much I love them and anything that comes out of their mouths, I’m sure they will deliver.

0:01 Off to a great start: “Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.”

0:02 When you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host this show two more times.

0:03 Ooooh, James Cameron burn goes over swimmingly and will probably be the edgiest burn of the night.  “I have not been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but I’m going to trust the lady who was married to James Cameron.”

0:04 Provin’ me wrong:  “Anne Hathaway, I have not seen anyone left alone and abandoned like that since you did the Oscars with James Franco.”

0:05 And the award for Joke only Liz Lemon could have written goes to: “The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year, and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress,” “Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off!”

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:05 Quentin Tarantino is coincidentally the star of all my sexual nightmares, as well Tina.  This is why I love her.

0:06 I loved Meryl Streep in The Flu, everyone is raving about it.

0:07 Also, it needs to addressed how smoking my ladies are looking.

0:08 They have to cut away from Lea Michele before she says something really bratty about Kate Hudson’s dress (which would not be completely unfounded). globes090-3_4_rx512_c380x510

0:09 Christoph Waltz gets Best Supporting Actor in a Film and I am actually someone surprised.  Everyone is saying Tommy Lee Jones is a lock, but Waltz’ performance is something to behold.

0:12 How did Hayden Pannetierre get nominated?  She is good at best. I was expecting less, so that is saying something.

0:13 Will Maggie Smith ever NOT win for Downton Abbey?

0:17 I have to admit, that mini-series and TV movie categories are always my blind spot, but I do want to see The Hour.  Shocker: Game Change wins.

0:21 Oh my gosh, please tell me that Amy and Tina are going to be sitting in the crowd all night as fake nominees.  Please, Golden Globes!

0:23 And here to remind a Hollywood that has become increasingly obsessed with musicals that she can sing: Catherine Zeta-Jones!

0:30 You can hear America tuning out as the HFPA president is announced, but she is actually quite cute and funny and hits on Bradley Cooper, so we have that in common.

0:31 Oh, hey, lifetime crush Paul Rudd.

damian-lewis0:32 I do not watch Homeland, but I love Damien Lewis so much from Band of Brothers and this really random adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing that he did, that I am always happy to see him win anything.  So charming.

0:35 Only Paul Rudd can make technical difficulties charming.  And apparently I need to watch Homeland.

0:42 Pretty cool that they got the real Tony Medez (Argo) there even if you couldn’t hear anything he said.

0:46 You guys, how adorable is Ang Lee?

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:47 Is there any way that Adele is not going to win this?  Not necessarily that she deserves it more, but just because she was Adele in 2012?

0:49 You guys, how adorable is Adele?  Really, though.

0:55 I don’t think it will happen, but Benedict Cumbatch SHOULD win for Sherlock.

0:56 YES! They are doing the fake nominees for all of the acting categories it seems.  This bodes well.  But NO! Benedict didn’t get it.

0:58 Of course, Bill Clinton gets a standing ovation at the Golden Globes.

1:01 “That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!” Amy would say that.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:02 Thank goodness we have SNL alum like Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig to liven this thing up.

1:06 Winners for best presenters of the night, so for, but probably for the night: Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig.  “YOU GET OUT OF HERE!”

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:07 Jennifer Lawrence’s really should mention that she beat Meryl because that is an achievement at the Globes.  And she is getting the award for most charming speech, so far.

1:13 You guys, how adorable is John Krasinski?

1:15 For award that is shocking no one: Anne Hatheway (but she does deserve it)70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show

1:17 You guys, how adorable is Sally Field?

1:24 Shocked by the love for Django Unchained.  Not that it is completely unfounded, just unexpected.

1:26 You guys, how adorable is Ewan McGregror?

1:28 In typical HFPA fashion, Don Cheadle wins just for being Don Cheadle and not for actually being a good show.

1:34  Arnold and Sly are BOTH pretty hard to understand.  Don’t take steroids, kids.

1:38 Homeland is sweeping.  Okay, I get it.  I’ll watch this stupid show.

1:45 Somewhat of a strange intro for the Animated Feature Film category.

1:49 All of my dreams are coming true.  Jason Bateman carried Aziz Ansari out on stage.

1:51 The Take That, Will Arnett Award goes to: Amy Poehler chatting it up with George Clooney when her name was announced.  I was dying.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:53 Amy should have won, but don’t get me started on the HFPA’s utter disregard for Parks and Rec

1:59 Warning Taylor Swift to stay away for Michael J. Fox is actually quite sage advice.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show 2:02 Did anybody else feel out of the loop during Robert Downey Jr.’s presentation of Jodie Foster’s Cecil B. DeMille Award?

2:04 You guys, the glee that I had at seeing Bugsy Malone on Jodie Foster’s reel is unparalleled.  (Look it up, kids).

2:11 I’m sorry, but I don’t get why everyone was teary eyed by the end of Jodie Foster’s speech.  She seemed somewhat the manic, crazy person, no?

2:17 For Biggest F You to the Academy:  Ben Affleck for director of Argo, after not getting nominated for the Oscar.  (Don’t get me started.)

2:22 Loved Jimmy Fallon trying to push Jay Leno out of The Tonight Show.

2:23 The Award that Should Have Been Parks and Rec’s:  Girls for Best Comedy (Don’t get me started)

2:32 I really wanted Bradley Cooper to win Best Actor – Comedy or Musical.  He deserves as much praise as Jennifer Lawrence but is not getting it because he is in the same awards season as Daniel Day-Lewis.

jackman-3_4_rx3402:34 I am going to say this in the nicest way possible, but does anybody else find it incredibly endearing that Hugh Jackman’s wife is not as pretty as him?  Just an observation.

2:40 I wanted Silver Linings Playbook to win, but I am fine with Les Mis winning.

2:47 Middle-aged Clooney DOES make young Clooney look like garbage.

2:48 Yay! Jessica Chastain! She really does deserve it.  Her performance in Zero Dark Thirty was haunting, depressing, and exhilarating, all at once.

2:51 Once again, Daniel Day-Lewis’ win shocks no one, but he REALLY deserves it.  His performance is eerily intoxicating.

affleck-onstage-4_3_r536_c5342:58 When they were reading the announcements for Best Motion Picture – Drama, I realized that this one could go any way, but after Ben Affleck’s snub at the Oscars, I really wanted Argo to win… and I got my wish!  Highly recommend this one, most crazy intense movie experience I have ever had.  It took me a solid hour to come down from this movie.

3:00 Well, that’s it, folks.  I was “meh” about most of the winners, in that I wasn’t surprised by a lot, was pissed about others, but more often, I had wished that someone else had won, but was okay with who won.  This just makes me excited for the Oscars to see if they make me less pissed or more.  Probably less, because I get more enraged by the TV nominees.

– Ellen