Fangirly Poetry: Ode to Oscar Nominations

This time of year, if your hearing is keen

You’ve heard, drifting toward you, from the nearest screen

The sound of actor, director, and writer

(A group, I’m told, that couldn’t be whiter)

All wringing their hands and saying a prayer

That this year, a most coveted prize they will snare

A little gold nude that might help their careers

And earn them begrudging respect from their peers

To them, I offer some words of advice,

From a girl who’s won her Oscar pool (twice)

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Being liked is as important as paying your dues

I’d recommend, if I may, tripping over your shoes

jennifer lawrence red carpet fail

All awkward moments you must bare with a grin

Even if John won’t let go of your chin

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And if you want to rake in the awards in a heap

It’ll help if your name rhymes with Smeryl Schmeep

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So good luck, nominees, at the Oscars this year

May your acceptance speech be both short and sincere

Ratings will be higher than they ever have been

For this is the year our racist uncles tune in.

Whitney Weldon

 

 

 

 

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Summer Movie Chutes and Ladders!

I did not end up seeing very many movies this summer. In part, because I’ve just been way too busy having a fun, sexy, Newport Ad summer…

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…And also because I just haven’t been that spoiled with choice. It’s no ancient Chinese secret that this has just not been the summer for movies. I did see a few, though, so I thought I’d play a game of Cinema Chutes and Ladders with some of this summers releases. 

AmazingSpiderman2-WPChute: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Ok, I’m going to say something that is going to sound kinda mean, but is only meant to be constructive: The entire film felt like a really, outrageously expensive piece of Peter/Gwen fanfic. Oh jeeze, that looks just as mean on paper as it did in my head. But the truth is, when you center the entire script of your Big-Budget Superhero Blockbuster on your leads perpetual game of relationship ping-pong, your story is going to suffer. And suffer it did. Everybody knows that Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have bananas on/off screen chemistry. Doesn’t mean we want to watch a movie about it.  

Ladder: Edge of Tomorrow

There really are not words to express how little I cared about seeing Tom Cruise’s latest attempt edge-of-tomorrowat career dialysis. I figured it was just another two-hour excuse to eat buttered popcorn, watch Tom gaze steely-eyed into the face of danger, and flirt with his under aged, underwritten leading lady. I’ve probably been more wrong before, but nothing immediately springs to mind. Edge was surprisingly funny, inventive, and (whoa!) kind of female driven. Emily Blunt’s character is allowed to be a hero in her own right, and not just as Cruise’s best girl. Not to mention that this is probably one of my favorite Tom Cruise performances EVER. I mean it. He’s smarmy and self-deprecating, and gives us a compelling hero to root for. 

snowpiercerLadder: Snowpiercer

It’s really is hard for me to put into words how I feel about this movie. If you (understandably) assume that my enthusiasm for this one stems from a longstanding and ever increasing Chris Evans crush, I totally get it. But in reality, once I saw the trailer back in May, I knew I was going to see it one way or another. It just looked so different from anything else we were likely to get this summer. And because I ABSOLUTELY refuse to dole out any spoilers on this one, all I will say is that I walked out of that movie theater shaking. It was disturbing and violent and sad and exciting and (once you got over being disturbed, grossed-out, sad, and excited) pretty funny. Just, go see it. For me. Please. Don’t be a weirdo. Just go. Now. Thank you. 

Ladder: Belle

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This one pretty much has all the makings of a super-cute chick flick: Racism, sexism, capitalism, imperialism. All the isms. Joking (briefly) aside, this movie is balls-to-the-wall wonderful. Also, hey there Sam Reid. We’ve never met before, but I like everything about you. Including, but not limited to, your face, your eyes, your voice, your smile, and your formidable acting chops. The ladies of the American Colonies salute you, sir. 

Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo in "Begin Again"Chute: Begin Again

Oh boy. I guess I know where they were trying to go with this one. I mean, it’s like Once, but in New York, right? I guess you lost me when Kira Knightly announced that Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder and that song from Casablanca were her guilty pleasures. No. Those are the songs you pretend are your guilty pleasures when a cute boy is going through your iTunes library. Honestly. You know what’s a pleasure to feel guilty about? “Having Fun” by Britney Spears. The only thing you have to feel guilty about is not fooling anyone. 

Ladder: Guardians of the Galaxy

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Every time I try to think of a way this movie could have been better, I get nothin’. Soup to nuts, one of my new favorite movies of all time. Chris Pratt slays the competition in the Most Boffable Man of the Summer 2014 race. And while I loved B Coop as Rocket the Raccoon, I think I prefer him in his 20 piece suits.                                                                                              

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Kidding. Love you, Coop. 

What do you think? Did I miss any?

Whitney

Fangirly Investigates: Oscar Predictions!

Oscar StatueWe’ve had Golden Globes, SAG, PGA, DGA, WGA, and all those other G’s and A’s, but now it’s time for the mack daddy, the big one.  Yep, it’s Oscar, biotches.  All other awards kneel before him. I’m still not a hundred percent sure how he got all the clout, but he did.  Don’t ask stupid questions!

With the big show looming over us this weekend, we thought we would give you our picks for the big five categories.  And the Oscars will go to…

Best Picture

  • Amour
  • Argo
  • Beast of the Southern Wild
  • Django
  • Les Misérables
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Zero Dark Thirty

Ellen’s Pick:  Argo – I got a chance to see all of the best picture nominees with the exception of Amour, and I’ve got to say, it’s a fairly tight race this year.  Silver Linings Playbook seems to be gaining some ground, but I think that that after Ben Affleck’s snub in the Best Director category, the voters are going to give it to Argo.

Whitney’s Pick:  Beasts of the Southern Wild – Ok, I get that this one is a long shot, but for me is stood out among all the other nominations. The award will probably go to Amour, or Argo, or Zero Dark Thirty, but the last time I checked, none of those other films managed to produce a star half as adorable as Quvenzhané Wallis. That includes you, Ben Affleck!

Best Actor

  • Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
  • Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
  • Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
  • Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
  • Denzel Washington, Flight

Ellen’s Pick: Daniel Day-Lewis – Had Lincoln not come out this year, I would like to think that Bradley Cooper could have taken it this year because he does a really great job at being funny and sympathetic.  But alas, Daniel Day-Lewis reigns supreme and he is THE guaranteed pick of the night.

Whitney’s Pick:  Daniel Day-Lewis – After five nominations and two wins, you would think DDL would give somebody else a chance. We get it, you were beyond awesome in Lincoln, and totally deserved that Golden Globe. I, however, would be more impressed if your character wasn’t the most beloved American president of all time. If you get nominated for playing, say, Lyndon B. Johnson then we’ll talk.

Best Actress

  • Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
  • Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
  • Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
  • Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts Of The Southern Wild
  • Naomi Watts, The Impossible

Ellen’s Pick: Jennifer Lawrence – Gotta give it to my girl, JLaw.  Homegirl’s got a solid chance of winning and rightly so.  Chastain and Watts could prove to be dark horses, but the voters seem to be digging the year’s only quasi-light fare this year.

Whitney’s Pick: Jessica Chastain – Honestly, this is more of a guess then anything else. Wallis and Watts seems pretty unlikely, and of the three remaining nominees, I think Jessica Chastain is all over it.

Best Supporting Actor

  • Alan Arkin, Argo
  • Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
  • Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
  • Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

Ellen’s Pick: Robert De Niro – In what I see as the closest race of the night, I’m going to go with who I think the Academy likes the most, which leaves me with ol’ Bobby De Niro.  But, really, don’t hold me to this one because it is anyone’s game at this point.

Whitney’s Pick:  Tommy Lee Jones – Again, this is a wishful thinking pick. In Lincoln, Tommy Lee knew how to steal and scene and wear a wig, two qualities I look for in a man (ask anybody).

Best Supporting Actress

  • Amy Adams, The Master
  • Sally Field, Lincoln
  • Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
  • Helen Hunt, The Sessions
  • Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

Ellen’s Pick: Anne Hathaway – This one is hers to lose.  I will be SHOCKED if she doesn’t get it.  Some people are saying Sally Field could prove to be an upset because… she’s Sally Field, but it’s going to Anne Hathaway.

Whitney’s Pick: (Duh) Anne Hathaway- I would be lying if I said I didn’t love ALL of the Supporting Actress noms, but it’s totally going to be Anne. She absolutely deserves it, after the Academy snubbed her twelve years ago for The Princess Diaries. This is your year, girlfriend!

There you have it?  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Who do you WANT to win? Let us know in the comments! And Happy Oscars, everybody!

Ellen and Whitney

Awards by the Minute: Golden Globes

Join me, as I get angry, joyous, and ambivalent over the course of an entire award ceremony.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:00 Guys, not going to lie, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey have a lot to live up to for this old girl.  But given how much I love them and anything that comes out of their mouths, I’m sure they will deliver.

0:01 Off to a great start: “Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.”

0:02 When you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host this show two more times.

0:03 Ooooh, James Cameron burn goes over swimmingly and will probably be the edgiest burn of the night.  “I have not been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but I’m going to trust the lady who was married to James Cameron.”

0:04 Provin’ me wrong:  “Anne Hathaway, I have not seen anyone left alone and abandoned like that since you did the Oscars with James Franco.”

0:05 And the award for Joke only Liz Lemon could have written goes to: “The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year, and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress,” “Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off!”

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:05 Quentin Tarantino is coincidentally the star of all my sexual nightmares, as well Tina.  This is why I love her.

0:06 I loved Meryl Streep in The Flu, everyone is raving about it.

0:07 Also, it needs to addressed how smoking my ladies are looking.

0:08 They have to cut away from Lea Michele before she says something really bratty about Kate Hudson’s dress (which would not be completely unfounded). globes090-3_4_rx512_c380x510

0:09 Christoph Waltz gets Best Supporting Actor in a Film and I am actually someone surprised.  Everyone is saying Tommy Lee Jones is a lock, but Waltz’ performance is something to behold.

0:12 How did Hayden Pannetierre get nominated?  She is good at best. I was expecting less, so that is saying something.

0:13 Will Maggie Smith ever NOT win for Downton Abbey?

0:17 I have to admit, that mini-series and TV movie categories are always my blind spot, but I do want to see The Hour.  Shocker: Game Change wins.

0:21 Oh my gosh, please tell me that Amy and Tina are going to be sitting in the crowd all night as fake nominees.  Please, Golden Globes!

0:23 And here to remind a Hollywood that has become increasingly obsessed with musicals that she can sing: Catherine Zeta-Jones!

0:30 You can hear America tuning out as the HFPA president is announced, but she is actually quite cute and funny and hits on Bradley Cooper, so we have that in common.

0:31 Oh, hey, lifetime crush Paul Rudd.

damian-lewis0:32 I do not watch Homeland, but I love Damien Lewis so much from Band of Brothers and this really random adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing that he did, that I am always happy to see him win anything.  So charming.

0:35 Only Paul Rudd can make technical difficulties charming.  And apparently I need to watch Homeland.

0:42 Pretty cool that they got the real Tony Medez (Argo) there even if you couldn’t hear anything he said.

0:46 You guys, how adorable is Ang Lee?

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show0:47 Is there any way that Adele is not going to win this?  Not necessarily that she deserves it more, but just because she was Adele in 2012?

0:49 You guys, how adorable is Adele?  Really, though.

0:55 I don’t think it will happen, but Benedict Cumbatch SHOULD win for Sherlock.

0:56 YES! They are doing the fake nominees for all of the acting categories it seems.  This bodes well.  But NO! Benedict didn’t get it.

0:58 Of course, Bill Clinton gets a standing ovation at the Golden Globes.

1:01 “That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!” Amy would say that.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:02 Thank goodness we have SNL alum like Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig to liven this thing up.

1:06 Winners for best presenters of the night, so for, but probably for the night: Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig.  “YOU GET OUT OF HERE!”

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:07 Jennifer Lawrence’s really should mention that she beat Meryl because that is an achievement at the Globes.  And she is getting the award for most charming speech, so far.

1:13 You guys, how adorable is John Krasinski?

1:15 For award that is shocking no one: Anne Hatheway (but she does deserve it)70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show

1:17 You guys, how adorable is Sally Field?

1:24 Shocked by the love for Django Unchained.  Not that it is completely unfounded, just unexpected.

1:26 You guys, how adorable is Ewan McGregror?

1:28 In typical HFPA fashion, Don Cheadle wins just for being Don Cheadle and not for actually being a good show.

1:34  Arnold and Sly are BOTH pretty hard to understand.  Don’t take steroids, kids.

1:38 Homeland is sweeping.  Okay, I get it.  I’ll watch this stupid show.

1:45 Somewhat of a strange intro for the Animated Feature Film category.

1:49 All of my dreams are coming true.  Jason Bateman carried Aziz Ansari out on stage.

1:51 The Take That, Will Arnett Award goes to: Amy Poehler chatting it up with George Clooney when her name was announced.  I was dying.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show1:53 Amy should have won, but don’t get me started on the HFPA’s utter disregard for Parks and Rec

1:59 Warning Taylor Swift to stay away for Michael J. Fox is actually quite sage advice.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show 2:02 Did anybody else feel out of the loop during Robert Downey Jr.’s presentation of Jodie Foster’s Cecil B. DeMille Award?

2:04 You guys, the glee that I had at seeing Bugsy Malone on Jodie Foster’s reel is unparalleled.  (Look it up, kids).

2:11 I’m sorry, but I don’t get why everyone was teary eyed by the end of Jodie Foster’s speech.  She seemed somewhat the manic, crazy person, no?

2:17 For Biggest F You to the Academy:  Ben Affleck for director of Argo, after not getting nominated for the Oscar.  (Don’t get me started.)

2:22 Loved Jimmy Fallon trying to push Jay Leno out of The Tonight Show.

2:23 The Award that Should Have Been Parks and Rec’s:  Girls for Best Comedy (Don’t get me started)

2:32 I really wanted Bradley Cooper to win Best Actor – Comedy or Musical.  He deserves as much praise as Jennifer Lawrence but is not getting it because he is in the same awards season as Daniel Day-Lewis.

jackman-3_4_rx3402:34 I am going to say this in the nicest way possible, but does anybody else find it incredibly endearing that Hugh Jackman’s wife is not as pretty as him?  Just an observation.

2:40 I wanted Silver Linings Playbook to win, but I am fine with Les Mis winning.

2:47 Middle-aged Clooney DOES make young Clooney look like garbage.

2:48 Yay! Jessica Chastain! She really does deserve it.  Her performance in Zero Dark Thirty was haunting, depressing, and exhilarating, all at once.

2:51 Once again, Daniel Day-Lewis’ win shocks no one, but he REALLY deserves it.  His performance is eerily intoxicating.

affleck-onstage-4_3_r536_c5342:58 When they were reading the announcements for Best Motion Picture – Drama, I realized that this one could go any way, but after Ben Affleck’s snub at the Oscars, I really wanted Argo to win… and I got my wish!  Highly recommend this one, most crazy intense movie experience I have ever had.  It took me a solid hour to come down from this movie.

3:00 Well, that’s it, folks.  I was “meh” about most of the winners, in that I wasn’t surprised by a lot, was pissed about others, but more often, I had wished that someone else had won, but was okay with who won.  This just makes me excited for the Oscars to see if they make me less pissed or more.  Probably less, because I get more enraged by the TV nominees.

– Ellen