Fangirly Presents: Why Women aren’t Funny

You know what sucks?

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And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I was informed today that women are, tragically, not funny.

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It’s true.

I know this because the person who let me in on this secret was, himself, blessed with a penis, so you know he knows comedy.

At first I was furious. How could someone make, with such confidence, such a blatantly untrue generalization?

Then I thought about it. And, wouldn’t you know it, he’s right.

Women really aren’t funny.

I mean, we have no sense of irony.

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Woman are historically terrible at physical comedy.

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Honestly, how many women can do impressions?

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I think, and this is just me, that women are too preoccupied with their appearance to be funny.

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And you know who really isn’t funny? Mature women.

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Maybe if we didn’t harp so much about objectification in the media.

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Maybe if we just got better at rolling with the punches.

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If we weren’t so damn prissy. You know, developed a sense of bathroom humor.

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It’s no wonder that male comedians don’t want to work with women.

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And why there aren’t any good female comedy duos.

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Who would have thought that ovaries, those things that launch our transformations into raging hose beasts with each new moon, would be the agents of our comedic destruction?

Let’s rally, ladies. Let’s focus on our strengths. Like wifery.

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And being good at literally everything else.

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Actually… wait…

I think I just thought of a joke.

Ok, bare with me, I’m new at this.

What did the woman say to the dumb-ass who thinks women aren’t funny?

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Get it?

Whitney Weldon

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Fangirly Birthday Tribute: The Story of Ellen

Her life began, as you might assume,

When she beat a hasty retreat from the womb

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Her wit was legend by the time she was six,

No one could ever catch on to her tricks

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But Ellen cared not for the praise, not one bit,

Even when it came from her dear cousin, Whit

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The girls became buddies, of the rarest kind,

No two more alike in spirit and mind

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Whitney cried on the day Ellen left for the city

She was now all alone, and it felt pretty… um, bad

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Though their visits were fun, they just weren’t enough,

And saying goodbye became rougher than rough

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But Ells was just fine, yes she tore it up good,

Doing the things you WISH that you could

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And sometimes, she’d think of her poor lonely cousin

For the good times they’d shared, she could count by the dozen

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So the girls reunited, and they did it real fast

And were just as close as they’d been in the past

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Just one thing now could complete their bliss,

To each wed a guy by the name of Chris

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Which totally happened, I swear that it’s true,

I’d go into detail, but that might get too blue

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That’s the end of my story, and I hope you’re all awed

By Ellen, the world’s most spectacular broad.

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Ells, I hope this birthday poem wasn’t a dud,

But, just in case, I also got you Paul Rudd

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Whitney

Cinema Chutes and Ladders: Summer 2015

It’s August and that means that the summer box office has begun it’s inevitable cool-down. We’re here to give you our take on a few of this summer’s biggest releases and speculate on a few late season stragglers. It’s time for another edition of Cinema Chutes and Ladders!

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Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1)

There’s been a lot of talk lately about Marvel Fatigue and the over-saturation of comic book movies. In response I’d like to say, um, boo hoo? What a bummer for audiences that this production studio is churning out these pretty consistently good films that make people excited to go to the movies. The nerve. I, for one, really enjoyed Age of Ultron.  It gave me everything I needed from an Avenger movie, like good character moments, and solid performances, and…

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Chris Evans chopping wood. Can’t forget about that.

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tom-hardy-as-max-in-mad-max-fury-roadMad Max: Fury Road (May 15)

I wasn’t sold on Fury Road when it was announced last year; I prefer studios to spend their time developing something original rather than rebooting a franchise that flamed out thirty years ago. So you can imagine my surprise when this turned out to be not only one of the best, but in many way one of the most original, summer release. Fingers crossed for a Nux spin-off, am I right?

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Jurassic World (June 12)JURASSIC-WORLD-15-1940x1042

I gave Jurassic World an initial good review that I stand by. But when this movie is taken into context with all the other summer releases, it’s definitely one of the weaker links in the cinematic chain. It was fun, but not much more than that.

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Trainwreck (July 7)

The alternate title of this movie was How Whitney Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Amy Schumer.

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Marvel's Ant-Man..Scott Lang/Ant-Man (Paul Rudd)..Photo Credit: Zade Rosenthal..? Marvel 2014

Ant-Man (July 7)

I had one hope for this movie. I only asked that I could make it though Ant-Man‘s 117 minute run-time without hearing the phrase “why don’t you pick on somebody your own size”. I did not get that wish.

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Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (July 31)

It’s really easy for me to forget what an amazing franchise Mission Impossible has been, until I’m confronted with yet another off-the-chain installment of said franchise. In other news, Rebecca Ferguson is my official Girl Crush of 2015. Crossfit has clearly served her well.

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The Gift (August 8)

From watching the trailer of The Gift, starring Joel Edgerton, Jason Bateman, and Rebecca Hall, I catch whiffs of Single While Female and Fatal Attraction. Since we haven’t seen too many psychological thrillers this season, I’m interested to see how this one shakes out. For now, I’m calling it a ladder based on casting alone.

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So Twentieth Century Fox, your plan was to take a quartet of inherently ridiculous superheroes whose attempts at film success has nose-dived not once, but twice, and make them grittier? Good call. Hey, maybe next you could remake The King and I as a raunchy sex comedy.

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Dark-Places-Movie-2015-starring-Charlize-Theron-and-Nicholas-HoultDark Places (August 8)

Probably capitalizing on the success of Gillian Flynn’s last film adaptation, Gone Girl, is a movie that looks stylistically and thematically very similar. Hey, if it’s half a bananas the trailer implies, you can sign me up.

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Henry Cavill, why must we always do this? You insist on looking balls-to-the-wall sexy and I’m sent into a celebrity crush tailspin. Do you know how hard it is to live like this? DO YOU!?

Whitney

Crush of the Mid-Week: Bill Hader

NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 26:  Bill Hader and Amy Schumer on the set of

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There is nothing like having one of your highschool TV crushes validated on the big screen. When Bill Hader joined the cast of SNL in 2005 I entered a profound state of smit. He was hilarious and, while not conventionally handsome, possessed all the raw sex appeal of a young Bud Cort. It was good. But surprisingly, Hader didn’t gain a lot of traction as a small-screen heart-throb…anigif_enhanced-buzz-29034-1369072374-3Bill-Hader-Dancing-as-James-Carvilletumblr_mv5nol2b621rmrpi7o2_500

You have my permission to be shocked. Astounded, even.

And even though Hader has had awesome supporting comedic roles in a lot of really funny movies (Superbad, They Came Together) he’s never really been able to break into the Leading Man scene. Till now. I’m probably the last twenty-something on Earth to see Trainwreck, and while I had a few issues, I was ultimately won over (hard) by Hader’s Aaron Conners. If I may be so very bold, I would say that this might be the best Leading Man performance in a romcom, ever. I mean that. He is so effortlessly charming and dreamy that for one brief moment I thought to myself “Chris Pratt who?”

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(Joking, Chris. You’re my everything).

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Trainwreck, you should seriously consider it. As a film, I thought it was ok. Pretty good, even. But if you want to witness Hader’s historic rise to Christian Slater level dreaminess, you need to see it. You can thank me later.

-Whitney

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Grade A, Choice Picks: Ellen’s Most Anticipated Movies of Summer 2015

Maybe you can’t tell from this blog, but I am a bit of an indoor kid, so I will be spending most of summer bingeing “crap” television (i.e. amazing television) and going to the movies.  Granted, the “official” summer movie season has already begun and at least three movies that would have made this list have already come out: Avengers: Age of Ultron (awesome), Pitch Perfect 2 (fun), and Mad Max: Fury Road (epic awesomeness).  But I’m getting the list out before June, which seems like the actual start of summer, so cut me some slack.

Honorable Mentions: Vacation (July 29), Magic Mike XXL (July 1), Dope (June 19), Mr. Holmes (July 17), Paper Towns (July 24), Minions (July 10), The Fantastic Four (August 7)

masterminds10. Masterminds (August 19) Not a lot out for this one yet, but a movie starring Zach Galifianakis and Kristen Wiig as bank robbers and Jason Sudeikis with a ‘stache?  That will at least guarantee a good time even if it ends up not being any good.

9. The Diary of a Teenage Girl (August 7) The trailer for this Sundance darling just dropped this week and it seems to be my brand of quirky and weird.  I am also a sucker for a good coming of age summer movie.  I am not going to even touch the skeevy Alexander Skarsgard, even if I may want to with some degree of shame.

8.  Spy (June 5) The track record of Paul Feig and Melissa McCarthy teaming up for a summer comedy is pretty stellar and I am quite excited to see a comedic Jason Statham and Jude Law.  The summer season is not a place for your broody period dramas.  Give me a lot big action sequences or a lot laughs and I’m happy.  I get both with this one.

n-MISSION-IMPOSSIBLE-ROGUE-NATION-large5707. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (July 31) Little bit about my family, my dad is a pilot and any time there is a plane in a movie, he is bound to be complaining about the inaccuracies.  Any time I see that trailer with Tom Cruise hanging off the side of that plane, I can hear my dad screaming in my head.  The M:I movies may be a bit inaccurate, but they are always a good time.

6. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (June 12) I recently went to an even where they were handing out promotional items for this movie.  I was quite pleased to be intrigued by the trailer for the movie that is plastered on my new towel and beach chair.  Another quirky coming of age story (see number 9).

5. Jurassic World (June 12) If you know me at all, it will come a surprise that I am putting Chris Pratt at number five, but even the glory of Chris Pratt leading a pack of velociraptors apparently couldn’t surpass my excitement for the top 4.

manfromuncle4. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (August 14) Guy Ritchie movies tend to have a particular cool vibe that speaks to me and this one looks even more fun than most.  The movie looks good, but do you know what looks really good?  Henry Cavill.

3. Inside Out (June 19) Even better than Paul Feig and Melissa McCarthy’s track record is Pixar’s.  A Pixar movie fronted by Amy Poehler about a teen girl’s emotions is sure to be an Ellen-pleaser if maybe not a crowd-pleaser, but it will probably be a crowd-pleaser, too.

2.  Ant-Man (July 17) I feel like I can just leave it at “Paul Rudd in a Marvel movie”, but I’ll try to say a little more.  The movie may have a bit of a storied production process, but remember that at this same time last year everybody was referring to Guardians of the Galaxy as “that Marvel space movie”.

trainwreck-trailer-pic1. Trainwreck (July 17) Bit of a disclaimer: I recently binge watched all of Inside Amy Schumer, so I am on a bit of Amy Schumer kick.  The movie is also getting some good buzz from it’s SXSW premiere.  At this point in my life, Amy Schumer and Bill Hader in a romantic comedy is probably going to be number one in my book, so I just went ahead and put it at number one.

Ellen