Only a millennial can understand the oppressive nature of a Harry Potter crush. It’s the kind of love that won’t let you go, and to honor that love, we’re listing our most violent Potter Passions.
There are two things we can’t resist here a Fangirly: a long-term undercover sting operation and undying love. So… Snape.
We get why Lily didn’t go for it (can’t blame a girl for not wanting to live on a Hogwarts teacher’s salary?), but Snape really knew how to make stalking your childhood sweetheart seem only fractionally as creepy as it should have been.
9) Sirius Black
Sirius was my first HP crush, and the passion has yet to abate. Nine years old isn’t too young to learn that sexy bad boys are always a good choice when you’re looking for auxiliary guardianship of your only child. If they aren’t in a Dementor-guarded gulag or on the run from the law, they make bitchin’ godfathers. (Get it? Bitchin’? Cause… he was a dog sometimes?)
8) The Shrunken Head from the Knight Bus
Would you believe me if I said I have my reasons?
7 and 6) Fred and George Wesley
The most common of all wizarding crushes. They were funny. They were entrepreneurial. And they were identical. I want to explain why that is such a major selling-point for me, but my mom reads this blog sometimes. I’ll try to keep this post clean, even though my Fred and George fantasies are anything but.
What do you want me to say?! I like a guy with an independent streak.
4) Neville Longbottom
Who could have guessed that the little chub-scout from The Sorcerer’s Stone would become one of the franchises most reputable Dream-sicles?
It’s fortunate for him that he finally grew into his hunkiness, because “Mrs. Longbottom” is going to be a tough sell for anybody.
3) Barty Crouch Jr.
I’m not sure what it is about Barty Crouch Jr. Maybe it’s his daddy issues. Maybe it’s the way he licks his lips like he doubled-down on his last dose of Risperdal.
I’m only saying that if you don’t want to raise a generation of confused women, don’t cast sexy British actors to play mass murders. That’s just common sense.
2) Victor Krum
I don’t think it’s an accident that “Krum” rhymes with “yum”, you guys.
It’s also worth noting that lakeside calisthenics are the the way to any woman’s heart
1) Tom Riddle
I understand that he grew into a nose-less genocidal maniac. I get that he murdered people. I’m aware that he had a weird relationship with a snake.
But you need to understand that I’m only human. I can take only so much.
And I think YOU’LL find that won’t be necessary. Let’s do this.