This time of year, if your hearing is keen

You’ve heard, drifting toward you, from the nearest screen

The sound of actor, director, and writer

(A group, I’m told, that couldn’t be whiter)

All wringing their hands and saying a prayer

That this year, a most coveted prize they will snare

A little gold nude that might help their careers

And earn them begrudging respect from their peers

To them, I offer some words of advice,

From a girl who’s won her Oscar pool (twice)

Being liked is as important as paying your dues

I’d recommend, if I may, tripping over your shoes

All awkward moments you must bare with a grin

Even if John won’t let go of your chin

And if you want to rake in the awards in a heap

It’ll help if your name rhymes with Smeryl Schmeep

So good luck, nominees, at the Oscars this year

May your acceptance speech be both short and sincere

Ratings will be higher than they ever have been

For this is the year our racist uncles tune in.

–Whitney Weldon