This is the post I hoped I would never have to write. Because by doing so, I’m forced to acknowledge and address those dinguses who seem utterly incapable of spanking their inner moppet and acting like grown-ups at the movies. If this post comes across as, ummm, combative, I apologize in advance. After an appalling experience at the movies yesterday (a second viewing of my new favorite Oscar contender, Guardians of the Galaxy) I know that this particular bug will stay firmly lodged up my butt until I speak out. And as we all know, Hell hath no fury like a lady whose enjoyment of Chris Pratt was compromised by some jabroni with an iPhone. In an effort to prevent such atrocities in the future, I present Whitney’s Rules of Movie Theater Etiquette. 

1) Arrive Early. I mean, going to the movies is supposed to be a leisure activity, right? Why not make it leisurely by giving yourself enough time to look at movie posters, visit the Pee Palace, get your concessions, and get to your seat in a timely fashion, rather than trying to squeeze in during the previews. Because some of us like the previews, and having you crawl over our knees like a terrier while you try to nab a seat does not enhance the experience. You might ask, How early is early enough? Excellent question. I like to get there anywhere between 20-30 minutes early. Be cognizant of how long it takes you to get there and how long lines at the ticket booth might be.

2) Once the movie starts, ditch the snacks. Ok, this one is harder to justify, as it’s really just kind of a pet peeve. Hearing someone swan-dive into their worryingly large vat of buttered popcorn is a real mood killer. If you want to chow during the previews, then by all means, go to town. But if you are a non-child or non-diabetic, then you should be completely capable of going two hours until your next Junior Mint pick me up. 

3) Let the credits roll. After every movie, there is always that one dude who tries to pole vault over seats in order to be first out of the theater. Why? If science tells us anything, it’s that watching three minutes of credits will not kill you. I’m not saying you need to sit there until an usher gives you a dirty look; once they roll the post-production departments you are probably good to go. 

What is your biggest theater pet peeve? Go ahead. Let it all out in our comment section.

–Whitney,