I have just one word to say about the 2014 Academy Award Nominations: egregious (brought to you by dictionary.com’s word of the day). Because so many outstanding performances were completely ignored by the Academy, we at Fangirly feel it our duty to present to you, our four readers, those we feel should have been recognized this year.

5) “Wolf of Wall Street” for Most Judicious Use of the F-Word in a Motion Picture. I heard it was only like, five… Sorry, did you say five hundred??? That is like, a whole other award.

4) Tom Cruise for Best Use of Lifts in a Motion Picture in “Jack Reacher”. Guys, I actually believed that he and Rosamund Pike were able to have a conversation without using two tin cans and a string.

3) “American Hustle” for Best Foreign Language Film. I didn’t even need subtitles for this one, because I speak conversational 70’s. For that I’d like to thank the band Grand Funk Railroad and the movie Slap Shot.

2) “Gravity” for Film Most Likely to Make Whitney Piss Her Pants in a Theater Due to a Complete Lack of Bathroom Break Moments. Don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

1) June Squibb for Actress in a Supporting Role That I’m Pretty Sure Was Based On My Paternal Grandmother. Super Cute? Check. Foul-mouthed? You got it. Ability to suffer fools? Highly questionable.

–Whitney