In years past, I have compiled lists of all of my birthday wishes for Whitney on this, the day after her birth (because I am a procrastinator). My wishes started out somewhat realistic, such as Bones and Booth getting it on and having a baby (NAILED IT! (that’s what he said)), but my wishes have become more unrealistic, such as last year’s wish that I would meet an adorable geek at Comic Con who would build a teleportation device that would allow Whitney and I to be able to watch TV together every night. Because that kind of technology should be used for something important.

What is one to do when their highly unrealistic goals are unattained? Wish for something even more ridiculously far-fetched, of course! Putting it out into the ether is all that matters. The more outlandish the wish, the more likely you are to get some semblance of it, right?

With that, I give you, but more importantly, Whitney, my list of wishes for her on her (day after her) birthday:

1) Somehow, through the grace of God, Nick Miller, the man, the legend, will become an actual human person that is not a fictional character on TV. Then, through the grace of science, he will cloned so that we can each have one. Finally, through the grace of adulthood responsibility, our Nick Millers will become so enraptured by us that they will get jobs better than a bartender.

2) Matt Smith will realize that he is a fool to leave Doctor Who and agree to return to the show, but he has demands. He adds a stipulation to his contract that he will only return to the show if Whitney and Ellen can come on as the new companions. Then, of course, he will demand that the show be real life and that he actually becomes a Gallifreyan Time Lord who travels through space and time, all so that you and I can accompany him.

3) The British monarchy will take note of all of the support that we give to British entertainment and we will be given titles. I myself would want to be a duchess, but you can choose what you would like.

4) The above wish will put you in all the best circles in England and you will become best friends with Billie Piper. You will be such good friends that she will gift you with a private concert of all of her “hits”.

5) Happy Endings will get picked up by some network (I don’t care, ANY network, please!) and it will become the biggest hit that TV has ever seen. ABC will release an official statement declaring that they were “utter fools to cancel the brilliance of this show” and that they will defer to Ellen and Whitney on all matters of cancellation from here on out.

6) On a visit to LA (when is that going to happen, by the way?), you and I go and tour the Universal studio lot. We come upon a taping of Parks and Recreation, they realize how cool we are and demand to be our best friends. Our Friday nights then consist of girls night ins with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, working on our night cheese. (Look at that picture! We will fit right in!)

7) All of our shows that we are falling out of love with will become so much better and give meaning back to our lives.

8) The Veronica Mars movie will become a resounding hit and the public outcry for more Veronica Mars will be too much for Warner Brothers to ignore. The series will be rebooted and all will be right with the world.

9) Mark-Paul Gosslear and James Van Der Beek will present themselves to you to do with as you will.

10) Whitney, you will realize that living in Utah is for the birds and you will come live in LA with me where we will be merry all the days of our lives (Okay, so this one is more of a wish for me, than it is for you, but whatever).

Whitney, I hope you get all of these things and more. Love ya.

–Ellen